Friday, August 28, 2009

Who Is Crystalis?

I'm a 32 years old woman with two parents, a sister, a couple cats and a man that I am head over heels for. I was a shy girl when I was growing up, painfully shy. I guess you could say I've grown out of that part. lol. I have spent the majority of my life with my nose buried deep in some book or another. We moved around a lot when I was growing up, making it difficult to make and keep friends, so I learned to entertain myself and be comfortable in isolation at an early age. Eventually we settled in California when I was 9 years old and I would spend the next 20 years there.

In high school, I developed a love for writing as well and I discovered along the way that I wasn't terrible at it. It was hard letting other people read my words though. They were something I put my soul into and at the time I thought that if someone decided my words were worthless, that it would be tantamount to telling me my soul was worthless. It took time to learn otherwise but eventually I did. But it was not a lesson I learned quickly enough. You see, my fear of others led to my being intimidated into thinking that there was no way that I, being so young, could possibly make it with a career as a writer. So I decided to work in a video store instead. And I put the pen down for right about 10 years.

During my ten year hiatus from writing I went through a rocky, abusive marriage. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I read everything I could get my hands on, ranging through all manner of subjects. I thought for a while I might want to become a veterinarian. That only lasted until I realized that I have a real hard time seeing animals suffer in pain and sickness.

However I did discover I had a knack for helping the elderly feel better, both physically and mentally. So I became a caregiver for a while. The trouble with that was that I soon came to understand that I become too attached to those around me. I care too much at times because I don't hold back. So it became hard when I would care for these wonderful men and women and develop such close friendships with them, only to see their light eventually dim and fade away until they would extinguish. It became too hard for me to continue my job and so I chose to take simple clerical job instead while I emotionally healed from all of the loss.

My journey has been a long one and is in no way over. There are certain things that have been present my entire life that has set me apart, made me different from others. For instance, I have been empathic from birth. When I was young I thought everyone was this way but later learned this is not the case. It caused much confusion in childhood because I had much trouble discerning between my own emotions and the emotions of those around me. When I became a little older I learned a sense of balance which helped me to distinguish between the two and gain a certain sense of peace.

I was raised in a very strict Christian family that didn't view anything outside their belief system in a favorable manner. This single fact caused havoc in my life when I awakened at the age of 18 because as my abilities strengthened and I gained further insight into the thoughts of others, I became feared and chastised for it. A few people even went so far as to tell me that I’d been possessed by the Devil. Needless to say this crushed me and hurt a great deal. I left organized religion behind altogether as a result. I still consider myself a spiritual person but unlike my family and those that I was raised with at the church, I don't believe in pushing my beliefs on anyone else. Everyone needs to walk their own path and spirituality is a very personal thing. Not everyone has to believe the same way but we do all have to live together and find a way to accept one another’s beliefs and make our differences into our strength rather then our weakness.

After I left the church, I spent about a decade ignoring my own nature out of ignorance. I walked a few different paths in search of something to fill the void and emptiness I had within me but to no avail. This caused me years of poor health and depression and virtually destroyed my marriage. One thing that remained quite constant was the sensual overture to many of the paths that I walked. I found that I always felt better when I was in environments in which sexuality was a theme, even when I was not actively fact especially when I was not actively participating. Now I'm not the voyeuristic type but just the presence of such highly charged energy would settle something within me, causing me to be less desperate to find that ever elusive something that was missing in my life. This caused me to develop relatively close ties to the BDSM lifestyle as a submissive. However, because of my on again off again marriage issues I later distanced myself from such things and therefore cut off the most potent source of energy that I had found.

Then a year and a half ago I ended having surgery to replace two of the disks in my neck with artificial ones. The doctors expected me to be in traction for about 6 months afterward. However, to everyone's surprise (including myself) I was actually up and out of bed walking to the bathroom later the same day, as soon as the anesthesia had worn off. I was back at work a month later. This caused the doctors to want to make a case study of my surgery and recovery. I figured that perhaps they could also answer some of the other questions I had. Extensive blood work, body scans, practically every test under the sun and not a thing was found to explain the speed of my recovery other then some enzyme levels that were a bit wonky.

Well, this caused me to begin to wonder if perhaps I should look outside the realms of science for the answers I sought. I began to do research on empathy and quite literally stumbled across the Vampire Community. At first, as I read, I kept asking myself why I didn't just stop since it was just nonsense. But something inside kept me reading and I found myself understanding so much of what was being said that quite frankly, I was shaken by it. It didn't take as long as I would have thought to get used to the idea that this was the answer I had been searching for over the past 15 years. In fact it was more like something had just clicked in my life, like the final tumbler in a lock falling into place and opening the door to a new yet familiar world. Upon contact with others like myself, I had a sense of family, of friends long lost and now reunited.

Late last year I ended up leaving my rocky marriage behind for good. And I have since been reunited with the one man that has haunted my dreams since I was a little girl. We’ve spent almost every single lifetime together in one way or another. We are twin flames and the moment I crossed paths with him, I knew that I had finally come home and I was completely and utterly whole once more. He ended up picking up on my submissive tendencies and a few months down the road he asked me if I would wish to wear his collar. Ecstatic at the prospect, I enthusiastically agreed. He is none other then the love of my lives, my heart and soul, Sabastian.

Well, it appears that I made quite the lengthy intro here but at least you've hopefully gotten a better feel for who I am and where I come from. I know I can be rather wordy at

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