The Black Cat

With next month being Halloween, I thought it appropriate to speak about the connection between black cats and magickal traditions. To start with, there have been many sick and twisted individuals over the years that have tortured and maimed black cats simply because they believe them to be familiars of witches or incarnations of the Devil. Sadly, this is a practice that can and does still occur on occassion. However, black cats are like any other cat in the sense that they hold the same finicky tastes, have the same humorous interest in chasing string and ribbons and take the same path from point A to point B (across your face as you sleep) that other cats take.


The difference in black cats versus other creatures, when it comes to the magickal tradition, is not in the animal's traits but more in the symbolism behind the animal. The symbolism of the cat, being an animal that is known to have closer ties to other planes, can be a strong way to visualize one's will and intent. If one believes that the animal they are working with is more capable of helping them to reach their goal, then the person trying to attain the goal will indeed have a better chance of achieving said goal. Mentally it can be viewed as something of a placebo effect. However, most do not wish to view it that way because they do not like to think that magick comes purely from mind and Will rather then tools, props and ritual. Also, the symbolism of a black animal holds meaning as well. Black can symbolize things like death, transition, rebirth, a changing of guards, the fall of one system and subsequent rise of another, and so on and so forth. There are a multitude of things that can hold meaning to the practitioner as they work with the animal and there is no limit to what can be accomplished when the practioner comes to the understanding that the animal is simply a focal point of visualization rather then the actual power coming from the animal in question.

So let's talk a little about history. Why do people still have such a strong reaction to black cats in general and where does the belief that they are either good or bad luck come from? In El Libro de San Cipriano, first published in 1510 and later smuggled from Spain to Mexico among other grimiores in the early 1540's, we see reference to El Gato Negro (The Black Cat). This grimiore was known to make reference to both black magick and white magick and even had a special section that was specifically for rituals and spells involving the black cat. Previous to that black cats were made reference to but not in the context we are discussing here. In ancient Kemet (modern day Egypt), there are many references to cats, however the color was not a major factor. At the time they were becoming known for their symbolism and connections to other planes of existence. Later, as the dark ages approached and mysticism took a back seat to the crusades in Europe, societies views toward cats changed from one of reverence to one of revulsion. Because cats had become so overpopulated, entire colonies of them were beginning to starve. This coupled with the prevelance of biting insects and the spread of disease due to unclean practices when dealing with animals that are likely to come into contact with rats, gave cats a very bad reputation in Europe for being the bringers of bad luck, misfortune and even death. With the spread of the Black Plague, cats saw the depths to which they could be hated by a society that does not understand their nature. Without the scientific understanding of germs and the spread of such, cats became the scapegoat by which European society explained the multitude of deaths that occured. It became acceptable practice to kill cats as well as those that "kept" them, for fear that they were the bringers of the devil's work. How far we have come from this foolish and misled view of such an inspiring creature!

The grimiore of El Libro de San Cipriano, which later became one of the fundamental grimiores from which Mexican Burjeria was derived, gives many examples of ways in which the black cat can assist one's magickal practices. However, it is unfortunate to say that because of the views of cats in general at the time that this grimiore was written, there are some scewed views of what sorts of things one would do with the animal in order to utilize it's focal powers. Over time we have come to see that the will and intent behind the magick performed are more important then the literal translation of the actions suggested. For instance, there is a spell that refers to using a black cat to bring harm to an enemy by setting the cat loose at a crossroads. This is not the entirety of the spell but for the purposes of this article will suffice. This can be viewed as neglectful if the cat you are setting loose is a family pet, but in the view of the day, it was much more humane then the actions most others would have performed on the animal. On another note, the black cat was also used to bring good fortune to the practitioner in another spell which simply involves keeping a black cat as a pet and spreading ground sea salt on it's back once a week. In my opinion, that would make for a better day anyway because of the subsequent purrs and snuggles involved by giving kitty a nice rub and scratch. There are many beliefs and traditions that follow, in one form or another, the use of black cats to invoke a variety of outcomes. However, it is always important to research things thoroughly before ever performing any ritual. Understand that it is your own will that drives the action of any ritual performed, not the animal, nor the tools involved. With this in mind, you may find that you are better prepared to begin to create your own rituals and practices. They may include El Gato Negro, or they may not. The choice is yours.

Ancient Kemetic History Holds Spiritual Ties To Vampirism

The word Kemetic or Kemet is one that anyone that spends a length of time within the Vampire Community will come across. What does it mean though? Well in the land of Ancient Egypt, the Egyptians themselves did not use the term Egypt in reference to their own land. To them, the land they called home was known as Kemet. Sometimes they also called it Ta-mery, or "beloved land." Kemet translates as "Black Land", in reference to the fertile banks and fields surrounding the Nile (black from the soil). In contrast, "deshret" is the term for the "Red Land" or the desert (a modern term derived from "deshret") that surrounds the fertile "kemet". By using the term Kemet instead of Egypt, we refer to the country by the name its own people called it (Egypt is an English form of the Greek name for this land, Aegyptos).

The land of Kemet was one rich in the history of modern vampires everywhere. In fact the Kemetic Order of Aset Ka, also known as the Asetians are a current day group of vampires that give worship to the Kemetic Goddess Aset, often spoken of as being the mother of vampires. However, there is mention of vampires in even earlier cultures such as that of the Sumerians. The Asetians do however have much knowledge of the early days of our origins and so, to any that may be interested in learning more of their specific philosophies, they need look no further then The Asetian Bible. It is not meant as a bible of religious philosophy so much as it is called a bible in the sense that they view it as an indispensable manual that contains a large portion of their collective knowledge, with the exception of certain "trade secrets" for lack of better words. .

Aset Ka was not the only Kemetic Netjer/Netjert (or God/Goddess) that has a place in vampiric history however. There were many that have held a place in our history either as the source of symbols we currently use, customs we take on as our own, or as one of the many Netjer/Netjert that we feel personally drawn to. Below I will list a few of them, though the list is by no means limited to solely those listed.


Atum Ra/Re - Often referred to as the creator of all, this is the Sun God as known in either it's second (Atum) or third (Ra/Re) phase of eclipse (much as the Scarab Khepri was a representation of the dark new moon). In one of his many forms, Ra has the head of a falcon and the sun-disk of Wadjet (one of the patron goddesses of lower Kemet, also called the green one) resting on his head.

Horus - One of the oldest and most significant Kemetic deities. He also bares the head of a falcon. Horus is known as the son of Isis and Osiris and yet in another tradition of Kemetic philosophy, he is regarded as the son of Hathor or even at times as her husband. After Set killed Osiris, Horus had many battles with Set, not only to avenge his father, but to choose the rightful ruler of Egypt. One scene stated how Horus was on the verge of killing Set; but his mother (and Set's sister), Isis, stopped him. Isis injured Horus, but eventually healed him. Horus was also said to be a war god and a hunter's god. Horus has at times been also referred to as another incarnation of Ra himself.

Hathor - Often regarded as the wife of Thoth, in later references she has been also depicted as the wife of Ra-Horakhty (Ra/Horus) or in earlier references as the mother of Horus. She was the Nejert that represented the personification of feminine love, joy, music, dance, foriegn lands, and motherhood. She was believed to be the one that welcomed all into this life and the next by helping mothers through childbirth and by greeting the dead when they pass into the afterlife. She is also often depicted in animal form as a cow goddess and has had, since the days of ancient Kemet, a cult following that uses this cow as one of it's many symbols of worship. As is often the case with pantheons throughout history, there are sometimes similarities that overlap. Hathor is one of the female deities that is also associated with the greek goddess Aphrodite.

There is a story about Hathor that has particular interest to someone bearing an eye on vampiric history. Kemet had once been seperated into Upper Kemet and Lower Kemet. The unification of the two regions was the result of a twenty eight year war of brutal proportions. The casualties on both sides were high. At the end of the war, peace returned to the land of Kemet and calm resumed, laying the way for a prosperous age in which the pharaoh Mentuhotep III reigned. The tale that follows this war is the one of which I speak.

It is said that Ra (represented by the pharaoh of Upper Kemet) no longer had the respect of his people (those of Lower Kemet) and they had begun disobeying him and otherwise shirking his authority. According to the myth, Ra communicated through Hathor's third eye (or Maat) and told her of his impending assassination that was being planned by the people in the land. It angered Hathor that the people she herself had created and brought into this world would do such a thing as to plan this heinous event. She was so angered in fact that she became Sekhmet, the war goddess of Upper Kemet. Hathor (as Sekhmet) then went on what has been called a bloodthirsty slaughter that could not be stopped. Upon seeing the effect his news had on his precious Hathor, Ra became regretful of the ensuing chaos and chose to stop Sehkmet from continuing her slaughter. To do this, he decided it best to trick Sekhmet. Ra flooded the fields with beer brewed by the women of Heliopolis and dyed red on Ra's orders, from the red ochre of Elephantine (an island in the Nile), in order to stop Sekhmet's rampaging slaughter of people (as Hathor mistook it for the blood of her victims, which she craved).

Thinking that he was pouring out blood for her in reward for her service, she drank it with frenzied delight, so much of it that she became drunk and fell into a slumber. After waking from this slumber, she had once more returned to her normal, gentle, loving, joyful self as his beautiful Hathor.

Aura Colors & Their Meanings

There are many different ideas as to exactly what each specific shade means when it comes to the color of a persons aura. But I think this has something to do with the fact that even with those that can see auras, each individual person sees the shades slightly differently. What may appear violet to one person may appear to be a deeper purple to someone else or to a third person may seem closer to blue. So it can be somewhat difficult to find a completely accurate description of aura colors and their meanings. However, the main categories of color do have certain traits and meanings attached to them. As someone that is both an empath as well as an aura reader, it was a tad easier for me to check and see for myself that the meanings described, do indeed mean what they are said to mean. That being said, I'll include some of the more basic colors and their general meanings in the paragraphs below. Be aware though that every individual is different and because of that fact, there may be some variations for yourself or others. When reading someone's aura, it is important to trust your instincts.


Disclaimer:

Here are the colors and meanings as I have come to understand them. Again, this is only what the color means to me when I see it, not necessarily what it means to everyone because someone else may see the subject as an entirely different color so this is all to be taken with a measure of understanding in regards to that fact.


Red:

Passionate, Driven, Assertive, Motivated, Dominant, Creative, Problem Solver, Competitive, A Survivor. This person has a powerful personality and is extremely sensual and seductive. In short they are "sex on a stick" and it shows in everything they do or say, making them very attractive and charismatic people. They are often the life of the party and their magnetic personalities will attract a great many romantic admirers and allies. However, they can also be formidable opponents once a person finds themselves on their bad side because their passionate nature can easily spur their anger into rage. There is also a possibility of materialism and once they set their sights on a specific goal their single minded pursuit of it can be so focused that it can evolve into full blown obsession if left unchecked. People of this variety make excellent business executives, rock stars, actors, media moguls, politicians, high powered attorneys and other influential go-getters.


Gray or Smoky:

Depression, Sluggishness, Fatigue, Drained, Lethargic, Apathetic, Listless, Muscle Weakness, Poor Immune System. I have noticed this to be a more temporary type of color. I have only met one person that had an aura of this color on what seemed to be a permanent basis and that person had suffered from depression and left it untreated for many years. This is also a color that will often settle over a vampire that suffers from deep need and has gone too long between feedings. It is not uncommon to become tired and feel sleepy or even sad when in the presence of someone that has an aura of this color, especially if you are highly empathic.


Yellow:

Spirituality, Enlightenment, Knowledge, Inspiration, Ascension, Humility. There is also the possibility of physical ailments and a weak connection to the physical realities of this world. This is the color of aura said to have surrounded some very well known spiritual figures and religious leaders such as Gandhi, Mother Theresa and The Dali Lama. It is my belief that the bright and shining halo that is so often found surrounding images of the Christian Messiah, Jesus Christ, in paintings of him during the time period that preceded his crucifixion, was actually the artist’s way of depicting the yellow color of his aura which he gave off so strongly that it was even visible to those not normally sensitive to seeing aura colors. I may be a pagan but religious beliefs aside, there is no denying the fact that there was a man answering his description that was a spiritual leader to many during that time and his faith and the faith of his followers would have imbued him with a rather strong aura indicating that he was, as such, a spiritually minded man.


Green:

A Healer, Compassionate, Caring, Kindness, Generous Nature, Animal Lover. Many doctors, nurses, therapists, counselors, veterinarians and philanthropists can be found to have an aura of this color. This person loves to help and comfort those that need it. There is a certain rare gentility of spirit that tends to accompany these people and though their urge to help can take them into high pressure environments, they are good at keeping a cool head in the heat of the moment. This is a forgiving and intelligent type of person but there is also a natural innocence within them in regards to the forces of malevolence, which can cause them to be rather gullible in their younger years. If left unhealed after being taken advantage of or falling victim to falsehoods, this can lead to disillusionment and the eventuality of a somewhat cynical or bitter outlook later in life.


Orange:

Vibrant, Enthusiastic, Genuine, Energetic, Spontaneous, Confident, Happiness, Carefree. These people are a real joy to be around. Their infectious humor and optimistic outlook on life is refreshing and endearing. They are very friendly and are often actively flirtatious. They love to make people laugh and their smile can light up a room. Although there is no such thing as a person that is happy all of the time, this person enjoys the ups and doesn’t take the downs too seriously. There is, however, a tendency toward forgetfulness, flightiness and the possibility of a short attention span which can lead to boredom and mischief. This person is a prankster but it is always in good fun as they are also known for being a fiercely loyal friend.



Purple:

Honorable, Trustworthy, Noble, Courageous, Loyal, A Champion of Justice, Fair, A Natural Born Leader. There is a reason that royalty is often associated with this color. Those that have an aura of this color often have the charisma, passion and ambition of a red colored aura as well as the diplomacy, intelligence and wisdom of a blue colored aura. It is therefore not difficult to see why there may also be the possibility of arrogance and manipulation, albeit always with the good of the group in mind. This person carries a heavy weight on their shoulders and it is a mark of strength and fortitude to have an aura of this particular hue. It is very difficult to make such hard decisions as this person must make, because although they always act with their people in mind, it can be a lonely existence at the top and as we all know it is impossible please everyone all of the time.



Blue:

Empathic, Intuitive, Creative, Intelligent, Loving, Sensitive, Understanding, Patient, Wise, Diplomatic, Realistic, Grounded, Calm, Peaceful. This person has many attributes of a true empath and they can often be found in jobs that involve social sciences such as teachers, social workers, childcare specialists, caregivers for the elderly and non-profit organization volunteers. Their patient and understanding nature makes for good parenting skills and this becomes evident in their strong family ties. These are people that maintain close relationships with the extended families and they are fiercely protective of those that are a part of their core group. Equally good at giving advice as well as listening these people make wonderful confidantes and their compassion can be very comforting in a time that would otherwise be difficult. Where those with a green aura tend to heal the body and mind, these people settle the soul and heart. One thing to look out for with this color of aura though is a tendency to procrastinate and put off distasteful tasks until the last minute. They can also be slow to admit failure and stubborn about apologizing if they believe they are in the right.



Darkened, Shadowy or Black:

Chaotic, Predatory, Dishonest, Manipulative, Dangerous, Malevolent, Harmful, Fierce, Mentally Unstable, Criminal Inclinations, Chronic or Terminal Illness, The Presence of Death. Beware! I have run across a few people that seem to have a shadowy, dark or even black aura that either surrounds them like a mist or that they might even carry within themselves. This blackness is quick to spread to those that spend time with or speak to someone that has this color of aura. I have come to understand that these are people around which one should be on their guard and very cautious. Once this blackness spreads it tends to stick to one like a film residue and it can be difficult to rid oneself of the feeling that one has been dirtied and is unable to get clean again. This type of aura tends to accompany people that are extremely selfish, have ulterior motives and agendas, are untrustworthy or may even have malicious intent. This may not always be directed at you but use extreme caution in all dealings with this person. Another completely different meaning for having this color in the aura can also be in connection with the lingering presence of death or illness that surrounds a person. I have seen people that were terminally ill that had small patches of their aura become darkened and concealed as if in shadows, oftentimes over the area of their body that the illness has made the most impact. As they grew closer and closer to death, the darkness over them also grew until the day it overtook them and they passed on.

Vampiric Abilties: Fact or Fiction

From the newly awakened to the seasoned mentor, most Vampires are fascinated with what abilities they might possibly be able to learn and/or master. For those that are just at the beginning stages of learning, this can be one of the most exciting parts of the process. When I first stumbled across the Vampire Community, I actually didn't believe that Real Vampires existed, despite the fact that I had awakened a little over a decade beforehand. One of the things that kept me progressing in my efforts to learn more was the fact that in continuing to read the words of other's experiences, I began to notice certain similarities between their stories and my own. The largest portion of these similarities lay within the subject of the abilities that they had noticed having. So in keeping with the effort to aid in the furthering of accurate and reliable knowledge within this group, I felt it would perhaps be beneficial to begin this thread as a place to discuss the various abilities that we as Vampires are capable of. I will address a few in the following paragraphs but please come forward to add your own questions and comments on the subject. There is no way I could possibly cover all viable abilities in this one post, but perhaps by discussing some of them it will spark some inner reflection in which you, the reader, will be spurred on to think of others.

First, let's dispel a few myths regarding Vampiric Abilities.

There are two separate varieties that these myths often take form as. First there is the outright fictional type of myths. These are the ones that we could not accomplish by any stretch of the imagination. Such as the ability to change our form to that of a bat or the ability to fly. Real Vampires can do neither unfortunately (though I admit it would be pretty cool if we could). The second type of myth are those that serve as an exaggeration of real abilities. A couple examples of this would be the myth that states that we have "superhuman" strength and speed and could easily outrun a speeding car or even lift a bus as if it weighed nothing. These are the tricky sort of myths because, although we may have slightly quicker reactions or may be stronger then one would expect for someone of our stature, we still remain within the range of human possibility. For instance, we could not lift a car on a whim but much as it has been known that a mother can find the strength to lift a vehicle off of her toddler by the strength of her will and adrenaline alone, many of us are also capable of such feats of strength in the event of an emergency. In a non-emergency situation however, we are only capable of slightly increased strength. Though we cannot outrun a speeding car, we can often at will put on a burst of speed as we run that is slightly faster then one would imagine to be possible. In other words, upon taking notice of our abilities an outside observer might say something like, "Wow...that person is stronger then they look!" or "That person has great reflexes!". However you should not expect to hear anyone refer to you as being "faster then a speeding bullet" anytime soon because if you do, you will surely be disappointed.

So what types of abilities are possible?

There are some that are physical in nature such as having a more sensitive sense of smell, acute hearing or highly developed night vision. These are common. There are also those that are more mental or psychic in nature such as Empathy which, although they not exclusively vampiric abilities, they do occur in higher percentages within the Vampire population then they do within the Mundane (mainstream human) population. Below I will list some of these abilities.

Empathy - the ability to transmit emotions over a distance or experience someone else's emotions as one's own

Telepathy - the ability to transmit thoughts over a distance or read someone's mind

Clairvoyance - the ability to see things that are outside the normal range of perception

Clairaudience - the ability to hear things outside the normal range of perception

Precognition - having knowledge of an event before it occurs by means of extrasensory perception

Astral Projection - the ability to seperate one's soul from their physical body and leave the physical body for a limited time to roam the astral plane or travel to other locations within the physical world and/or interact with other people.

Divination - the ability to foretell future events or reveal truth with unusual insight by means of occult practices such as the reading of tarot cards, tea leaves, crystal balls, astrological charts, numerology, palm reading, etc, etc.

Retrocognition - the ability to see objects or events in the past that one has no way of having had previous knowledge of

Psychokinesis (PK) - the ability to move objects or affect physical processes outside the body through mental effort alone. This is also often referred to as Telekinesis.

Aura reading - learning about people by perceiving the colored aura that surrounds them

Dreamwalking - entering another person's dream while you also are in a unconsious state or calling another into your own dream.

Pyrokinesis (one of several forms of elemental manipulation) - being able to manipulated fire by sheer will of thought.

Departs The Lonely Mourner

The overcast clouds roll across the sky
A draft flows over the grass
Giving the appearance of soft waves
Eternally stretching for a non-existent shore
The tombstones interrupt the gentle hills
Crosses and cement markers
Displaying the passing of lives
Too unknown to be visited by occasional flowers
An old woman wears black
Walking through the forest of marble and stone
She pauses in places and visits those who have no one else
And she continues on
Her feet lead her deftly and she remembers the past
A time when she would not come near this place
Now it calms her to know that she can come
And sit for hours with her childhood friends
Finally she reaches her dearest
The marble is dull, the grass overgrown
Tears escape her as they have for years
And she lowers herself to the ground
She lays down, careful not to disturb the frail dried flowers
That she carried to the grave weeks ago.
As she closes her eyes a breeze blows gently
And the black veil lifts from her ghostly pale skin
A bright light opens the heavens
The clouds vanish from the sky
Her life slowly drains away and is lifted from her
And still her hand does clutch the locket at her neck
A newlywed couple lives on in her very last thought
Their happiest times together
As they again will soon be
For today she will join her beloved
Nevermore gripped within this mournful world
Free at last

What is the cause of Vampirism??

I was recently asked, "Does anyone know why vampires have 'leaky energy' in the first place?" There are a multitude of theories out there regarding what the cause of vampirism (or more specifically, the need to feed) really is. Some say it is caused by damaged chakras, a theory which would lend itself to the concept of the vampire's inability to keep the energy that their systems produce. Others say it is something akin to a scientific or medical malady created by man by way of a virus that has caused some sort of mutation on the basic DNA makeup of an otherwise completely normal individual. A virus which is currently only able to be treated through metaphysical means by way of feeding. Which of course, would cause one to wonder if perhaps someday there will be a medical answer...a "cure" for vampirism so to speak. Still others believe that vampires don't necessarily leak energy but instead just don't produce enough of it on their own to be able to maintain a healthy and happy life. There are even those that believe that feeding isn't needed to replenish a deficient energy system so much as simply being a tool. One which is used to achieve greater use and control of one's abilities and therefore eventually leading to the ascension of one's higher self.

However, no one really knows for sure why we are the way we are. I suspect this is because there actually isn't one universal answer that covers all of us. I say this because despite the many different theories available out there, most have one specific theory that seems to make more sense to them then the others. Even among those that haven't heard any the various theories, upon deep self reflection many find that they will pose a theory on their own. And it will, most times, be among one of the already proposed possibilities for the cause of vampirism.

My personal thoughts on the subject is that there isn't one cause, one reason. In my opinion, I think there are various causes. Perhaps, only when we look at each person on a case by case basis, will we be discover each person's individual reason for being of such a nature. In my case, I know that the cause of my own vampirism is due to none of the above theories. The reason I need to feed is that I use my energy up very quickly. I produce it just as well as any non-vampiric person. In fact I would actually hazard to guess that if there were a way to physically measure such a thing, one would find I might even produce energy within my personal stores faster then normal. However I still use it up too fast and this is not something I have control over. It just takes a great deal of energy to maintain many of my abilities. Empathy, telepathy, telekinesis, astral projection, energy work, healing and dream walking all take energy to maintain and/or accomplish. Because many of these abilities are not of the sort that I can easily switch on or off, i have no say in whether my energy get's used this way or not. The abilities are there to stay but they do cost me. Therefore vampirism is the only answer for me. Even if I went to a healer, they could not help me because it is not caused by some sort of damage that would benefit from a healers touch.

Who Is Crystalis?

I'm a 32 years old woman with two parents, a sister, a couple cats and a man that I am head over heels for. I was a shy girl when I was growing up, painfully shy. I guess you could say I've grown out of that part. lol. I have spent the majority of my life with my nose buried deep in some book or another. We moved around a lot when I was growing up, making it difficult to make and keep friends, so I learned to entertain myself and be comfortable in isolation at an early age. Eventually we settled in California when I was 9 years old and I would spend the next 20 years there.

In high school, I developed a love for writing as well and I discovered along the way that I wasn't terrible at it. It was hard letting other people read my words though. They were something I put my soul into and at the time I thought that if someone decided my words were worthless, that it would be tantamount to telling me my soul was worthless. It took time to learn otherwise but eventually I did. But it was not a lesson I learned quickly enough. You see, my fear of others led to my being intimidated into thinking that there was no way that I, being so young, could possibly make it with a career as a writer. So I decided to work in a video store instead. And I put the pen down for right about 10 years.

During my ten year hiatus from writing I went through a rocky, abusive marriage. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I read everything I could get my hands on, ranging through all manner of subjects. I thought for a while I might want to become a veterinarian. That only lasted until I realized that I have a real hard time seeing animals suffer in pain and sickness.

However I did discover I had a knack for helping the elderly feel better, both physically and mentally. So I became a caregiver for a while. The trouble with that was that I soon came to understand that I become too attached to those around me. I care too much at times because I don't hold back. So it became hard when I would care for these wonderful men and women and develop such close friendships with them, only to see their light eventually dim and fade away until they would extinguish. It became too hard for me to continue my job and so I chose to take simple clerical job instead while I emotionally healed from all of the loss.

My journey has been a long one and is in no way over. There are certain things that have been present my entire life that has set me apart, made me different from others. For instance, I have been empathic from birth. When I was young I thought everyone was this way but later learned this is not the case. It caused much confusion in childhood because I had much trouble discerning between my own emotions and the emotions of those around me. When I became a little older I learned a sense of balance which helped me to distinguish between the two and gain a certain sense of peace.

I was raised in a very strict Christian family that didn't view anything outside their belief system in a favorable manner. This single fact caused havoc in my life when I awakened at the age of 18 because as my abilities strengthened and I gained further insight into the thoughts of others, I became feared and chastised for it. A few people even went so far as to tell me that I’d been possessed by the Devil. Needless to say this crushed me and hurt a great deal. I left organized religion behind altogether as a result. I still consider myself a spiritual person but unlike my family and those that I was raised with at the church, I don't believe in pushing my beliefs on anyone else. Everyone needs to walk their own path and spirituality is a very personal thing. Not everyone has to believe the same way but we do all have to live together and find a way to accept one another’s beliefs and make our differences into our strength rather then our weakness.

After I left the church, I spent about a decade ignoring my own nature out of ignorance. I walked a few different paths in search of something to fill the void and emptiness I had within me but to no avail. This caused me years of poor health and depression and virtually destroyed my marriage. One thing that remained quite constant was the sensual overture to many of the paths that I walked. I found that I always felt better when I was in environments in which sexuality was a theme, even when I was not actively participating...in fact especially when I was not actively participating. Now I'm not the voyeuristic type but just the presence of such highly charged energy would settle something within me, causing me to be less desperate to find that ever elusive something that was missing in my life. This caused me to develop relatively close ties to the BDSM lifestyle as a submissive. However, because of my on again off again marriage issues I later distanced myself from such things and therefore cut off the most potent source of energy that I had found.

Then a year and a half ago I ended having surgery to replace two of the disks in my neck with artificial ones. The doctors expected me to be in traction for about 6 months afterward. However, to everyone's surprise (including myself) I was actually up and out of bed walking to the bathroom later the same day, as soon as the anesthesia had worn off. I was back at work a month later. This caused the doctors to want to make a case study of my surgery and recovery. I figured that perhaps they could also answer some of the other questions I had. Extensive blood work, body scans, practically every test under the sun and not a thing was found to explain the speed of my recovery other then some enzyme levels that were a bit wonky.

Well, this caused me to begin to wonder if perhaps I should look outside the realms of science for the answers I sought. I began to do research on empathy and quite literally stumbled across the Vampire Community. At first, as I read, I kept asking myself why I didn't just stop since it was just nonsense. But something inside kept me reading and I found myself understanding so much of what was being said that quite frankly, I was shaken by it. It didn't take as long as I would have thought to get used to the idea that this was the answer I had been searching for over the past 15 years. In fact it was more like something had just clicked in my life, like the final tumbler in a lock falling into place and opening the door to a new yet familiar world. Upon contact with others like myself, I had a sense of family, of friends long lost and now reunited.

Late last year I ended up leaving my rocky marriage behind for good. And I have since been reunited with the one man that has haunted my dreams since I was a little girl. We’ve spent almost every single lifetime together in one way or another. We are twin flames and the moment I crossed paths with him, I knew that I had finally come home and I was completely and utterly whole once more. He ended up picking up on my submissive tendencies and a few months down the road he asked me if I would wish to wear his collar. Ecstatic at the prospect, I enthusiastically agreed. He is none other then the love of my lives, my heart and soul, Sabastian.

Well, it appears that I made quite the lengthy intro here but at least you've hopefully gotten a better feel for who I am and where I come from. I know I can be rather wordy at times...lol.

Psi-chology: Is it physical or metaphysical?

Upon awakening, most of us seek help from medical professionals to find some sort of relief for the issues that plague us (and rightly so). Unfortunately, some though, never get beyond this stage but rather go on the rest of their lives jumping from one doctor to the next, one medication to the next, one diagnosis to the next, all in an effort to recover and feel normal again. They may not be aware of the community of kindred, or they may simply be trying so hard to bring themselves back to a “normal” mental state that to allow oneself to give in to such fantastical thoughts would be in the opposite direction from what they believe recovery should be.

But then, there are also a few that run across the vampire and otherkin community and decide straight out of the gate that they must be “something” but they don’t know what and they never bother to look for any other answers to the problems they might be dealing with. The danger in this is they may be looking for metaphysical answers to completely mundane problems and by doing so may be actually harming themselves in the long run by allowing such a condition to worsen over time while they try to decide what form of otherkin they are.

Then there are some that have found a bit of balance between these two extremes. They sought out scientific, medical and psychological answers first and upon these things failing to bring any relief or comfort they moved on to less traditional answers and found that they were indeed not so much “ill” but rather just a bit different then other folks. This of course is the balanced and ideal way for it to occur.

But what about those folks that just so happen to be both of a kindred nature as well as dealing with a medical or psychological disorder? This is a much more common occurrence then you might think. We all have issues, we all live out our lives within human shells that are susceptible to germs, malfunctions, chemical imbalances and death. So it can be very tricky to know when something that is troubling us, is something that we should seek help for, or if it is something that is related to and caused by our inner nature.

Personally, I tend to assume that my own problems are often a combination of the two…both physical and metaphysical causes. There are some issues that I just know are purely mundane of course…the fact that I have to wear glasses or contacts to see well, the fact that I tend to be a bit OCD sometimes (obsessive-compulsive disorder, I feel the need to count things on occasion or put things in order according to symmetry), the fact that I had some bad discs in my spine that needed replacing….all of these have physical causes and explanations.

But then there are certain physical issues that I have that become exacerbated by metaphysical ones. For instance, I can be a bit ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and when I have recently fed very well or am feeling a greater then usual need to feed, well the issue becomes worse for me and I have even more trouble focusing on one thought for any length of time.

There are also things that I know are caused by purely metaphysical reasons for me as well. I was once diagnosed as being Bipolar (extreme mood swing cycles from manic to depressed and back again) but once I learned how to manage my need to feed this particular issue went away for me entirely. If I am getting depressed for no good cause then it is a red flag to me that I may need to feed. If I am overly excitable, antsy, irritable and generally manic, then I understand that I need to do some relaxation exercises, grounding and centering to bring myself back to where I need to be.

It takes a lot of time to get to know yourself and your body to the point that you can understand whether something has a physical or metaphysical cause though, so when I am in doubt about a new situation that occurs, I tend to treat the issue as a combo deal. I seek help for any possible physical causes but don’t ignore the metaphysical possibilities either. This way I am not ignoring a possibly devastating and debilitating problem that could have been treated with early detection, nor am I allowing a problem to continue just because doctors may not know the cause. As in all things, for me balance is key.

Ebook: Tantra - Soul Sex For Two

Soul Sex- Tantra for Two

Update: As She Slipped Away

To any and all that read the post I made titled "As She Slipped Away", I wish to say thank you for the kind thoughts and warm wishes. I also wished to give an update as to the condition of the girl on the table.

She is doing a good deal better! She has been moved from the ICU at the hospital and is now in a regular room until such time as a bed can be found at a proper psychiatric facility where she will be able to have her meds adjusted to more suitable levels. With that and a bit of counseling we expect her to be doing better emotionally soon, as well. She should be able to come home in the next week or week and a half.

On a side note, I asked her if she remembered any of what happened while she lay in the table and she said that she didn't but she does remember the touch of my lips on her forehead. When I told her that even though I had been unable to be there physically that I never left her side through the long dark night, she said she knew because she felt me nearby with her.

She wasn't angry with me either as I had feared she might be. She apologized profusely when I saw her and said she had tried to be strong but that she had failed. I told her that her shame wasn't necessary when it comes to me. I love her exactly as she is and nothing will ever change that. We hugged and we cried, held hands and snuggled...all of the things I had been so afraid I would never be able to do with her again. So...that was a very very good day.

As She Slipped Away

She slipped away from me last night. One moment she was there on the table getting her stomach pumped and the next…nothing. I prayed last night. The strange thing was, I wasn’t even really sure whom I was praying to. Everyone…no one, it’s all the same really. I wouldn’t say that I am one who has lost their faith. I suppose one must have faith first to lose it. I had confirmation last night of something that has lingered in my mind for some time though.

I was praying to the nebulous someone or someones out there when I felt her spirit away. And rather then become saddened or more fearful, I felt a calm wash over me for a moment. With my eyes closed I felt the pain of a part of my soul being ripped from my heart and suddenly I knew what I should do. I stopped praying and I opened my heart and soul. I took the blinding light that I carry within me and I poured it into her still and quiet body mercilessly. I pushed the essence of my being into her as I have never pushed before, with purpose and determination.

I felt the doctors working on her, bustling around like so many busy ants. None of it seemed real though. It all seemed somehow to be so far from reality that it was like a haze, a fog settling in and only one thing remained clear. The girl that lay on the table before me was a drastic contrast to the activity around her. She lay there so absently, still as death itself. For that is what had settled over her briefly, this shroud of death which clung to her like a sticky film that one can’t wash off.

I stood at the end of the bed, next to her head, watching everything with a certain detached feeling. I marveled at the fact that none of the good doctors and nurses could see me. They perhaps could sense me if they were of the sort that could pick up on such things but I had no reason to think any of them were in fact a possible sensitive, privy to the sensations of astral bodies nearby. Frantically they continued their efforts and I smiled sadly at them, knowing they were doing their best and also knowing that it wasn’t working.

I placed my hand on her head, petting her hair the way she always liked. The movements of the doctors were becoming fewer and slower as time itself seemed to slow to a crawl. A nurse held a pen in her hand and had an eye on the clock, waiting to be told when to write down the time. I looked back down at the girl on the table and leaned forward, softly laying my lips upon her cool forehead and I breathed myself into her. With every breath I poured that which is me into her. She was the vessel and I became the liquid light that filled it. I felt myself reach out and pull everything I could from every other person in the room, a collective sigh escaping their lips. My eyes unfocused and still I filled her.

A hand touched my back and I knew it was He. He then reached for her hand and lifted it to his lips, doing the same as I. Together we let our power loose on her. Shadowy figures began stepping forward, family coming forth to lend a hand. And still I pressed my breath into her with a whisper, “It is not your time, little one. You must come back. I am sorry but you cannot yet leave. Hate me if you will but you must return. We need your light.” I felt her struggling, just out of reach. Not wanting to return.

“No! It hurts too much!! I want to go! Let me go!!!”, She says to me.

My heart feels another wrenching tear and I can no longer hold myself back. I feel that part of me take over, the part I hide the most, telling few about it. The Goddess steps forth from my inner core and I feel the large red wings spread out behind me. I lift my lips from her forehead and nothing but a piercing light can be seen where once my eyes were for they have gone blind in power, but I no longer need to see to accomplish what I must.

I place a hand upon her chest, over her heart and the other hand I stretch to the heavens. With a thought and the flip of a mental switch I am touching the Source of all and I become the conduit for its power. The sensation is overwhelming and a roar tears from my throat as I withstand the extreme discomfort. He comes to my side again, wrapping his arms around me and holding me up as my knees become weak. And still we do not stop.

A slow but steady sound begins to echo at last against the stark white walls and large glass door of the somewhat small room. This is shortly followed by a startled gasp. Beep…Beep…Beep. It is an odd sound. Beep…Beep…Beep. It is not a sound made by natural means, but rather by a manmade device, which suddenly has commanded the attention of everyone in the room. All eyes are turned toward it in rapt interest. Beep…Beep…Beep. I am slumped against Him now in exhaustion but I find the strength to lift my head and open my now dim eyes once more. Upon searching for the source of the gasp, my gaze falls upon the nurse with the pen. She is no longer staring at the clock. Her eyes dart between the girl on the table and the machine next to her that continues to give its repetitive series of beeps.

“Doctor…”, her eyes are wide and she simply stares, as whatever words she would have spoken trail off and become forgotten.

The girl on the table lies there in slumber now, her heart beating out a slow, soft, steady rhythm. My line of vision flicks over to the shadowy figures of those that had approached to lend a hand. With soft, relieved smiles and a sage-like nod from the both of them, they melt from my sight into the background. He and I each take turns caressing the sleeping girl’s cheek lovingly. Exchanging a meaningful glance with one another, we too step back from the table. We quietly fade from the room, hand in hand, so that we may once more find our physical bodies where they lay miles away, in a state of deep meditation.

My eyes flutter open and my thumb absentmindedly runs back and forth over the face of the cell phone in my hand. Shortly I will receive a call bearing news. They will tell me that she is in critical but stable condition. I lay there in the darkened room, alone with my thoughts.

I wonder to myself, will she hate me? Will she even remember? Or will she awake, as anyone else would, with no knowledge of what came to pass in that hospital room while she tried to slip away. An exhausted smile touches my lips and silent tears of relief trail from my eyes as I think to myself that could perhaps ask her tomorrow. I roll from my back to my side and curl up, still deep in thought. I had always suspected that there was real power beneath the surface of what meets the eyes of most when they look upon He or I. Pity that confirmation of such things must come in such frightening packages.

Awakening/Becoming/Ascending

I have to admit that one of the things that interested me greatly when I first came across the vampire and otherkin community was the subject of awakenings. Awakening is known to all of us as one of the most difficult, confusing trials that we will withstand and unfortunately, all too often we must go through this alone and without answers as to what is happening to us. It is that time in our lives that our body and mind tell us that we are not only different but we are extremely different to a point of this difference becoming a splinter in our minds. I understand all too well how this can be a frustrating thing because of the inability to put a finger on exactly what it is that we may be experiencing that is really so different then the rest of humanity at large. But none the less there is something there and it needles away at us, beckoning us to search…but for what we know not. Granted each person’s experience with awakening is different but we all know that there are also many similarities.

There are a million and one articles and posts out there that describe the physical aspects of awakening so I will keep that portion of this article to a minimum. I can only speak on the physicals of a vampiric awakening being as it has been many lifetimes since I have experienced the physicalities of awakening as any other form of otherkin. Though I do still carry certain traits of other types of kin (fae, celestial, wolf, cat), vampire is that which reigns supreme in my soul today. So because of this I can only speak of what my own personal experience was with physical awakening. Please bare with me, I will keep this part as brief as possible.

Personally I didn’t have very many physical symptoms of awakening. To the best of my knowledge the most I can pinpoint as regards the time period is just after my high school graduation during the summer of my 18th year. There are many reasons it is difficult for me to really say “this right here is the day I awakened” but for the most part it is because it was so subtle for me. Firstly, I began getting headaches and migraines when I had previously never had a migraine in my life. It became difficult for me to remain awake and coherent during the day, especially the mornings. I know that for some this is a normal part of being a teenager but up to this point I was most definitely a morning person. But no longer was this the case. At night, my energy level would spike and I would become almost manic in my need to exert myself. My eyes became more sensitive to light and more accustomed to the dark. And finally there is the biggest physical symptom I had…my appetite became difficult to control. I hungered and craved for something that I could not place and nothing would satisfy me, therefore causing the yo-yo effect of weight gain and loss. That is pretty much it as far as the physical aspects of my own awakening. However, the mental and emotion aspects….ahhh, now this is a very different matter my friends.

You see when it comes to awakening it is the common opinion of most that there are different stages. There is the physical awakening stage and this is usually the first stage. It is the one that is mostly spoken of when people mention something like “I awakened two weeks ago”. Though the validity of being able to pinpoint a specific day has always escaped my understanding, it doesn’t change the fact that almost everyone seems to know when it was they went through this stage. Then there is the emotional/mental awakening, also known as Becoming. This is the second stage. And finally there is the third stage, that of spiritual awakening, commonly referred to as Ascension.

The second and third stages are the ones that are most often neglected when it comes to information and personal experience being relayed to others. What is it like for everyone else? Is it also something that we all have certain similarities in? Do all kin go through this feeling of “self absorption” or “selfishness” for months on end? Am I really normal, or at least as normal as I can be considering I have a more human then human soul?? What does all this mean? And then there is the biggest question of all…Why????

We all have these questions and many more my friends. And it is the search for answers to these questions that seem to be the single defining aspect that otherkin of all types have in common. We band together in both the online and offline world in our attempts to quench this curiosity of ours and bring some semblance of peace and balance to our existence here on this plane. It seems to me that this is both our greatest strength and our greatest weakness. It is our weakness because it is the root of our feelings of being cut off and adrift in this world, alone. However, it is our strength because it drives us toward one another, to be reunited with lost loves, to create the unbreakable bonds of eternal friendship, to continue our paths of self discovery. As so many other things in life, it is a two sided coin, yin and yang.

So what does it mean exactly to Become? Well, once again I can only speak from my own experiences. Though my physical awakening occurred many years ago, Becoming was something that took much longer to come to fruition for me. I spent more then a decade dealing with the issues of ignorance as to what was “wrong” with me. I went through depression and upheaval in my emotions for a long time. I took risks that were foolhardy and yet, thankfully, I came out the other side with nothing more then bad memories. When I quite literally stumbled across the vampire community it was at a time that I was finally ready to accept that there is much more to the world around us then that which is presented to us by the narrow confines of society’s views. I can honestly say that if I had read many of the things that I have learned of more recently, in an earlier part of my life, I would have turned a blind eye to them. I would have made any excuse I could to explain away why these things were silly fantasies and nothing more. But as it would just so happen, I came across such things when the time was ripe for it. I still had the feelings of incredulity at the fact that people would claim such things were real, but something kept me reading. You see, there were similarities that I just plain couldn’t ignore. There were actually other people in this world that had been going through the same things I had!! And my thoughts that I was one day meant to shine, meant to be so much more then I currently was became more then just a fleeting fantasy.

And so I read and read and read and read. I devoured anything I could find on the subject. The more information I found, the hungrier I became for knowledge. The questions drove me to find answers and in turn with every answer that was found it gave birth to ten more questions. But at last I was learning! The world opened up to me at last. It was both an excited and yet frightening time for me and this is something that is common for us when we Become. Even though we experience excitement at the knowledge that we are finally getting somewhere in our search for understanding, we also often experience fear, shame, guilt or any combination of such due to the fact that what we are learning is challenging those belief structures that we have long accepted as simple fact. Our religious views may become obsolete in a sense and because of the nature of religious philosophy, this can definitely cause emotional upheaval. Some of us are raised with a more open minded view of the world and this can be extremely helpful in Becoming. But for those of us that come from more narrow minded, closed off, judgmental backgrounds…oh how we have changed!!

It is this change in our acceptance of societal norms as gospel truth that causes much of the emotional aspects of Becoming. We are taught that it is wrong to spend so much time within our own minds, that we must devote our attentions to our families and friends rather then ourselves. This is true but only to an extent. We, by nature, are both the most introverted and extroverted of people. We experience our environment on a level that most will never even fathom. To us, the world is richer, filled with more to experience in any given situation then others could possibly imagine. Thus, this brings out our extroversion…we react to the environment that reacts to us. However, we are constantly processing these things. We weigh and measure everything that our senses tell us, everything that we feel (and boy, do we feel), and everything that we are told becomes subject to this mental process. We search others words for truth or lies, we examine every little nuance and unceasingly, unrelentingly dissect them. Therein lays our introversion. We over think everything. We analyze and pick apart and reassemble. And then we wonder to ourselves why it is that we get to wrapped up in our own thoughts that sometimes we forget to speak aloud to others when they ask us a question. Once again it is the yin and the yang…introversion and extroversion. For me, finding balance in these things is the final aspect of Becoming whereas the seeking out of all this knowledge and information is the meat and potatoes of it. So when you get to this point, you may begin to ask yourself…now what?

This brings us to the matter of Ascension, the spiritual awakening. For some, Ascension and Becoming go hand in hand. For others, they experience first one and then the other. For myself, I am one of those that have the two blending together a bit, making it difficult for me to really separate the two. So I define it this way, if Becoming is about learning then Ascension is about putting that knowledge to use and acknowledging, discovering and generally getting to know our higher selves. Ascension is something that I suspect many continue to experience during the entirety of their remaining years, or at least this is what I expect will be the case for me. Spiritual enlightenment is a dynamic and fluid thing. It evolves and grows and with it so do we. Ascension is for me the most magical stage. That which allows us to truly be what we were meant to be. It is our time to shine. It is the most individual and solitary of the stages also. For each persons path leads to one’s own personal ends.

However, because of the ties and bonds that were created along the way, we never again need to feel alone or cut off. We have our Family in those that we have shared lifetime after lifetime with and they will help us along the way should we lose our footing and veer off our intended path. And though Ascension is a very personal and individualistic thing, it is those around us that help to make it possible for they serve as our anchors in balance and our conscience in realistic ideals. As for myself, this is where I am at today. I have the individual path that I walk but I am no longer alone on it for I have my Family at my side to share in my triumphs and losses. Together we can accomplish…everything. And so can you.