Hello all! I have been asked a great deal recently why I had stopped posting on this blog and where I had gone. As we all know, sometimes life takes a turn that we cannot foresee and we must become aware of a new reality and adjust to it. For many years, I had daily, easy and free access to the internet as well as a computer of my own that I did not feel concerned about having certain adult-themed content on. Some time ago, this changed. Though I do have access to a computer temporarily (at least for the next couple months), I do not own this computer and therefore I need to be respectful in what sort of content I access and/or create on it.
I can assure any ongoing readers that check on this blog occasionally over the years that I will never, EVER just give up on it. There may be large gaps of time in between posts, but I will always return, sooner or later. This blog has seen me through a great deal of change and growth and as such I have come to see it as an old friend.What kinds of things have changed, you may ask? Well, one of the biggest changes you may notice is my evolution from submissive/slave to switch and finally to full dominant. I am not ashamed of my submissive beginnings, nor do I regret them. Learning what it is to submit to another, the strength it takes to bend one's will to that of someone else, the beauty of true submission...all of this was a powerful and amazing experience for me. I found though, that this was an experience I found myself wishing to share. I wanted to be able to bring that kind of joy and spark into another's eyes. Are my previous Master and I still together? No. Not as a couple anyway. We have discovered that we make far better friends then lovers and as a result he remains one of my very best friends to this day.
I have since taken a pet of my own. My Matthew has allowed me to help him open himself to new worlds of sensation and emotion. He is a devoted, handsome and wonderful man that I am so very proud of! I find such fulfillment in teaching him, exploring with him, showing him what he is capable of and then seeing the light fill his eyes as he discovers that he is so much more then he previously thought. He is my joy, my pride and my darling little pussycat. I find that the happiness he brings into my life is the sort that settles my soul. The interesting thing is, he is also a force to be reckoned with in his own right! I have discovered that I am not the sort to want someone to blindly follow me. I want someone that will more likely be the wolf by my side then the puppy at my feet. I want someone that shows strength to everyone and then chooses to use that strength to please me. So when I call him my pussycat, make no mistake, he is also my dragon. I am proud to call him mine for he is a strong and powerful man that has earned the privilege of being such by way of his words, deeds and actions. Because of all of this, I love him beyond measure.
Like a coil of chains around it Waiting for the moment to pass And allow me to breathe again I was content in my misery But a breeze came blowing in Bringing hope on the wind Ruining my plans of depression I was happy being lonely Thinking I would be forever alone While always in a crowd Desperate to find home Home that lets you be yourself Or takes another look Beyond the lies you tell to everyone And sees your truth laid bare Is it better to tell and risk it all Then to stay in a prison of my making Only time can tell in the end If I shall rise above it all or shatter as I fall I hold my breath again Just waiting to see what happens To the life that should have been While holding onto the stillness within
He lifts the lantern high above his head Lighting the cobbled stone road His face in shadows Eyes gleaming with an inner light
Pretty…pretty, he says I look to him with plain wonder Confusion painted across my features
Pretty, I ask
Look around you…this world it shines He spreads his fingers, hand held out With a wide sweep of his arm he bows Welcome to the Shadows, M’Lady Tis the world from which you’re born But then you’ve always known Have you not? Gleaming eyes flick up to me A smirk playing on his red lips
Yes…always, my voice ethereal I look to see him at last Beyond the darkness that hides him Through those eyes of shining light And there he stands waiting Smiling broadly, knowingly I remember, my mind becomes clear Whispered words float past my lips I am home at last
Yes M’Lady…at long last His hand remains held out to me A smirk plays across my red lips I take a single step to close the gap My fingers meet his Interlacing and clasping tightly My eyes had dulled outside the Shadows Filling with an inner light Once more they find their gleam
My voice comes strong and confident Have you kept the Hearth warm, my friend
I have been thinking about the different things I tend to post here and how they could be considered to be something of a crossection of my interests. There are the articles and self reflections concerning Vampirism as well as BDSM, not to mention the poetry, stories, music, videos and anything else that strikes my fancy. One thing that has been something of a constant though is the fact that with each post I have included an image from my extensive collection. I often find myself looking at an image that I would like to include in a post here and thinking, what can I write that will make this picture an approriate accompaniment to it? Often times though they are images that I cannot find suitable words for without veering into the category of Erotica. And I have nothing at all against Erotica, in fact I personally am a huge fan of it. ;-) I just haven't done much fictional writing in that genre.
And now I suddenly realize I have been going about it all wrong! If I wish to share an image with you, why not let it stand alone for you, the reader, to be able to truly appreciate the full impact of it. A good erotic image needs no explanation. Beauty needs no description. Sensuality needs no crutch of words. And so I present to you the beginning of a new regular segment on This Tainted Soul Of Mine, in which I will allow the art I wish to share with you to speak for itself, as it was originally intended. I do so hope you enjoy them as much as I do. *wicked grins*
My heart It screams a battle cry Not of fear or courage A cry of triumph It bursts forth And rumbles in my throat Victory! The sweetest taste Of love long lost Regained once more And through the halls Of Valhalla I walk Nirvana bliss My Shangri-La
My body It finds rapture Entwined within me Baited breath Desperate longing A current of touch Across my skin Soft breaths Beating heart Tender kiss His heated gaze Sets me aflame With desire Running rampant As it courses Through my veins
My mind It reels in delight Dizzy in anticipation Marveling at thoughts Taken over Captured in love Released from doubt No longer afraid To trust freely No reservations No fears can take hold Gratitude fills me For I know Him Remember Him
My soul It takes flight I find my wings I soar above all The poison gone From my being The light shines bright Golden threads Interlaced Whole once again Completed Freedom so pure Take me higher I crave Him This addiction My true home He is my… Forever
I'm a 32 years old woman with two parents, a sister, a couple cats and a man that I am head over heels for. I was a shy girl when I was growing up, painfully shy. I guess you could say I've grown out of that part. lol. I have spent the majority of my life with my nose buried deep in some book or another. We moved around a lot when I was growing up, making it difficult to make and keep friends, so I learned to entertain myself and be comfortable in isolation at an early age. Eventually we settled in California when I was 9 years old and I would spend the next 20 years there.
In high school, I developed a love for writing as well and I discovered along the way that I wasn't terrible at it. It was hard letting other people read my words though. They were something I put my soul into and at the time I thought that if someone decided my words were worthless, that it would be tantamount to telling me my soul was worthless. It took time to learn otherwise but eventually I did. But it was not a lesson I learned quickly enough. You see, my fear of others led to my being intimidated into thinking that there was no way that I, being so young, could possibly make it with a career as a writer. So I decided to work in a video store instead. And I put the pen down for right about 10 years.
During my ten year hiatus from writing I went through a rocky, abusive marriage. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I read everything I could get my hands on, ranging through all manner of subjects. I thought for a while I might want to become a veterinarian. That only lasted until I realized that I have a real hard time seeing animals suffer in pain and sickness.
However I did discover I had a knack for helping the elderly feel better, both physically and mentally. So I became a caregiver for a while. The trouble with that was that I soon came to understand that I become too attached to those around me. I care too much at times because I don't hold back. So it became hard when I would care for these wonderful men and women and develop such close friendships with them, only to see their light eventually dim and fade away until they would extinguish. It became too hard for me to continue my job and so I chose to take simple clerical job instead while I emotionally healed from all of the loss.
My journey has been a long one and is in no way over. There are certain things that have been present my entire life that has set me apart, made me different from others. For instance, I have been empathic from birth. When I was young I thought everyone was this way but later learned this is not the case. It caused much confusion in childhood because I had much trouble discerning between my own emotions and the emotions of those around me. When I became a little older I learned a sense of balance which helped me to distinguish between the two and gain a certain sense of peace.
I was raised in a very strict Christian family that didn't view anything outside their belief system in a favorable manner. This single fact caused havoc in my life when I awakened at the age of 18 because as my abilities strengthened and I gained further insight into the thoughts of others, I became feared and chastised for it. A few people even went so far as to tell me that I’d been possessed by the Devil. Needless to say this crushed me and hurt a great deal. I left organized religion behind altogether as a result. I still consider myself a spiritual person but unlike my family and those that I was raised with at the church, I don't believe in pushing my beliefs on anyone else. Everyone needs to walk their own path and spirituality is a very personal thing. Not everyone has to believe the same way but we do all have to live together and find a way to accept one another’s beliefs and make our differences into our strength rather then our weakness.
After I left the church, I spent about a decade ignoring my own nature out of ignorance. I walked a few different paths in search of something to fill the void and emptiness I had within me but to no avail. This caused me years of poor health and depression and virtually destroyed my marriage. One thing that remained quite constant was the sensual overture to many of the paths that I walked. I found that I always felt better when I was in environments in which sexuality was a theme, even when I was not actively participating...in fact especially when I was not actively participating. Now I'm not the voyeuristic type but just the presence of such highly charged energy would settle something within me, causing me to be less desperate to find that ever elusive something that was missing in my life. This caused me to develop relatively close ties to the BDSM lifestyle as a submissive. However, because of my on again off again marriage issues I later distanced myself from such things and therefore cut off the most potent source of energy that I had found.
Then a year and a half ago I ended having surgery to replace two of the disks in my neck with artificial ones. The doctors expected me to be in traction for about 6 months afterward. However, to everyone's surprise (including myself) I was actually up and out of bed walking to the bathroom later the same day, as soon as the anesthesia had worn off. I was back at work a month later. This caused the doctors to want to make a case study of my surgery and recovery. I figured that perhaps they could also answer some of the other questions I had. Extensive blood work, body scans, practically every test under the sun and not a thing was found to explain the speed of my recovery other then some enzyme levels that were a bit wonky.
Well, this caused me to begin to wonder if perhaps I should look outside the realms of science for the answers I sought. I began to do research on empathy and quite literally stumbled across the Vampire Community. At first, as I read, I kept asking myself why I didn't just stop since it was just nonsense. But something inside kept me reading and I found myself understanding so much of what was being said that quite frankly, I was shaken by it. It didn't take as long as I would have thought to get used to the idea that this was the answer I had been searching for over the past 15 years. In fact it was more like something had just clicked in my life, like the final tumbler in a lock falling into place and opening the door to a new yet familiar world. Upon contact with others like myself, I had a sense of family, of friends long lost and now reunited.
Late last year I ended up leaving my rocky marriage behind for good. And I have since been reunited with the one man that has haunted my dreams since I was a little girl. We’ve spent almost every single lifetime together in one way or another. We are twin flames and the moment I crossed paths with him, I knew that I had finally come home and I was completely and utterly whole once more. He ended up picking up on my submissive tendencies and a few months down the road he asked me if I would wish to wear his collar. Ecstatic at the prospect, I enthusiastically agreed. He is none other then the love of my lives, my heart and soul, Sabastian.
Well, it appears that I made quite the lengthy intro here but at least you've hopefully gotten a better feel for who I am and where I come from. I know I can be rather wordy at times...lol.
The water is warm as we take the time to splash and play despite the danger that is coming on the horizon. We feel it will be our last day and we spend it celebrating our love together. No fear, no regrets. We have loved with a passion to match the ages and together we will stand united to die the same way we have lived, as one. We will make the final stand, outnumbered and against all odds…not that unusual for us. But this time, we know our path may end come nightfall. We leave the pool of clearest water and lay side my side in the grass, entwined in love and pleasures. The world that awaits us melts away and we revel in one last day of basking in one another’s glory. There are no tears. Only the tender smiles that light upon soft lips with gentle kisses and fevered caresses. An urgency meets our lovemaking with the dying of the light and we melt into one another, drinking down each others soul with every heated touch and gasping moan. We devour our love for one another. For tonight we will face death and as one we will conquer it without a flinching eye…for we know that we have had each other in our lives always, and we always will. We take the final steps into the jaws of hell and a fierce battle cry is echoed through both of our chests.
Our last words…my love, we will meet again! We once more unite as our lives bleed out to soak into the ground and mingle along with our last breath of air...
And so those words have echoed throughout time...one life to the next...until you came to me once more. So you see my love, we were right...we conquered death with unflinching eyes and have returned to one another's arms. This is true love that survives all, life, death, pain, joy, fear, courage...we are meant for one another as we remain together, forever united. I love you darling...forever.
To any and all that read the post I made titled "As She Slipped Away", I wish to say thank you for the kind thoughts and warm wishes. I also wished to give an update as to the condition of the girl on the table.
She is doing a good deal better! She has been moved from the ICU at the hospital and is now in a regular room until such time as a bed can be found at a proper psychiatric facility where she will be able to have her meds adjusted to more suitable levels. With that and a bit of counseling we expect her to be doing better emotionally soon, as well. She should be able to come home in the next week or week and a half.
On a side note, I asked her if she remembered any of what happened while she lay in the table and she said that she didn't but she does remember the touch of my lips on her forehead. When I told her that even though I had been unable to be there physically that I never left her side through the long dark night, she said she knew because she felt me nearby with her.
She wasn't angry with me either as I had feared she might be. She apologized profusely when I saw her and said she had tried to be strong but that she had failed. I told her that her shame wasn't necessary when it comes to me. I love her exactly as she is and nothing will ever change that. We hugged and we cried, held hands and snuggled...all of the things I had been so afraid I would never be able to do with her again. So...that was a very very good day.
I lay in bed with the same feeling as always for restlessness has settled in and I toss and turn. Please God let me dream tonight, I silently pray, for it's been too long. I close my eyes and concentrate, willing slumber to wash over me as I imagine a warmth that speads down me from head to toe. Each muscle I consciously calm and relax as they loosen and stop their tightened reactions. My breathing deepens and I pull the darkness around me, a cloak of solitude and peace that I hold close. From deep within my heart there is a cry of hope. Will tonight be the night I will once again walk in the world of dreams?
I open my eyes to a scene I am familiar with but one I've never lived. I look around me and see that I am in our small, humble, yet happy home. The shaggy grey dog is chewing on a stick that he brought in from outside our little haven of peaceful solitude. The fire crackles and brings my attention to it. Oh, how could I have forgotten of the task at hand? I reach out and slowly stir the bubbling mixture of rabbit, broth and the few vegetables we still have. Thankfully winter is almost over and we will once again go into the woods to reap the bounties it has to offer. I breath in the rich scent of the rabbit as it slowly cooks on the hearth. He will be pleased tonight. I turn and walk to the wooden chair that sits next to the door and begin again to work on my sewing of his new tunic. It will be a surprise and I hope a happy one for I am almost done, just a few more stitches remain. Pulling the sinew tight after each hole the awl has punched, I make each and every stitch a reflection of my feelings for him. A sound of distant thunder rumbling throatily through the sky and I smile. I have finished! I turn the tunic back around and look at my handiwork, pleased to have completed this particular show of affection. Before the dog has caught the scent I know He has arrived and is walking toward our home. It is the only true home we've either known for it is ours. The location and materials that make up the room is of little consequence but the feelings that are within it are indeed what makes this a special place, a place of belonging. I open the door and walk to meet my Love, the tunic neatly folded and held behind my back. From a distance, I can see His long dark hair being whipped by the wind of the coming snow. It trails up and away from the rockface that He has turned the corner round, reaching for the sky like little arms calling to god to be held. His smile is brilliant and I love that He always shows it so when He looks upon me. I quicken my pace and reach for Him as my feet carry me closer, wanting to fall into His arms and tell Him how I've missed Him so. His eyes sparkling with the fire of life, He opens his arms to welcome me into their warm protective circle. A beaming smile graces my lips as I take the final two steps that remain before I am home in His embrace.
The harsh, echoing, metallic sound of sirens awakens me and my eyes fly open. No! Not again! I was so close, I could almost recall the scent of His hair and the warmth of His touch. The dream fades and as always is replaced with sorrow and loss. Silent tears trail down my cheeks and soak into the cloth as I hug the pillow close to my face and cling to what little I remember before it too gets swept away. For the second time tonight I pray...tomorrow night, please let me dream once more.
I have gone through many years of personal evolution. In the BDSM subculture I started 15 years ago as a submissive/slave and have since grown into my current role of dominant. Though I do occasionally switch, I have learned that I gain the most satisfaction and fulfillment from guiding my own sub/pet through the wonders of exploring his fantasies and the exhilaration of pushing his limits. I also identify myself as a multi-hybrid vampire and otherkin.
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