Hello all! I have been asked a great deal recently why I had stopped posting on this blog and where I had gone. As we all know, sometimes life takes a turn that we cannot foresee and we must become aware of a new reality and adjust to it. For many years, I had daily, easy and free access to the internet as well as a computer of my own that I did not feel concerned about having certain adult-themed content on. Some time ago, this changed. Though I do have access to a computer temporarily (at least for the next couple months), I do not own this computer and therefore I need to be respectful in what sort of content I access and/or create on it.
I can assure any ongoing readers that check on this blog occasionally over the years that I will never, EVER just give up on it. There may be large gaps of time in between posts, but I will always return, sooner or later. This blog has seen me through a great deal of change and growth and as such I have come to see it as an old friend.What kinds of things have changed, you may ask? Well, one of the biggest changes you may notice is my evolution from submissive/slave to switch and finally to full dominant. I am not ashamed of my submissive beginnings, nor do I regret them. Learning what it is to submit to another, the strength it takes to bend one's will to that of someone else, the beauty of true submission...all of this was a powerful and amazing experience for me. I found though, that this was an experience I found myself wishing to share. I wanted to be able to bring that kind of joy and spark into another's eyes. Are my previous Master and I still together? No. Not as a couple anyway. We have discovered that we make far better friends then lovers and as a result he remains one of my very best friends to this day.
I have since taken a pet of my own. My Matthew has allowed me to help him open himself to new worlds of sensation and emotion. He is a devoted, handsome and wonderful man that I am so very proud of! I find such fulfillment in teaching him, exploring with him, showing him what he is capable of and then seeing the light fill his eyes as he discovers that he is so much more then he previously thought. He is my joy, my pride and my darling little pussycat. I find that the happiness he brings into my life is the sort that settles my soul. The interesting thing is, he is also a force to be reckoned with in his own right! I have discovered that I am not the sort to want someone to blindly follow me. I want someone that will more likely be the wolf by my side then the puppy at my feet. I want someone that shows strength to everyone and then chooses to use that strength to please me. So when I call him my pussycat, make no mistake, he is also my dragon. I am proud to call him mine for he is a strong and powerful man that has earned the privilege of being such by way of his words, deeds and actions. Because of all of this, I love him beyond measure.
Like a coil of chains around it Waiting for the moment to pass And allow me to breathe again I was content in my misery But a breeze came blowing in Bringing hope on the wind Ruining my plans of depression I was happy being lonely Thinking I would be forever alone While always in a crowd Desperate to find home Home that lets you be yourself Or takes another look Beyond the lies you tell to everyone And sees your truth laid bare Is it better to tell and risk it all Then to stay in a prison of my making Only time can tell in the end If I shall rise above it all or shatter as I fall I hold my breath again Just waiting to see what happens To the life that should have been While holding onto the stillness within
I have been thinking about the different things I tend to post here and how they could be considered to be something of a crossection of my interests. There are the articles and self reflections concerning Vampirism as well as BDSM, not to mention the poetry, stories, music, videos and anything else that strikes my fancy. One thing that has been something of a constant though is the fact that with each post I have included an image from my extensive collection. I often find myself looking at an image that I would like to include in a post here and thinking, what can I write that will make this picture an approriate accompaniment to it? Often times though they are images that I cannot find suitable words for without veering into the category of Erotica. And I have nothing at all against Erotica, in fact I personally am a huge fan of it. ;-) I just haven't done much fictional writing in that genre.
And now I suddenly realize I have been going about it all wrong! If I wish to share an image with you, why not let it stand alone for you, the reader, to be able to truly appreciate the full impact of it. A good erotic image needs no explanation. Beauty needs no description. Sensuality needs no crutch of words. And so I present to you the beginning of a new regular segment on This Tainted Soul Of Mine, in which I will allow the art I wish to share with you to speak for itself, as it was originally intended. I do so hope you enjoy them as much as I do. *wicked grins*
There are many images that come to mind whenever anyone thinks of the word slave. Most of the time the word itself is used in a negative context in reference to being forced to behave in a way that one does not wish to behave. It is a word that references a person that is under the complete authority of another with little to few rights of their own. The definition of the word has been put forth as having several meanings, one of which would be “a form of forced labor in which people are considered to be, or treated as, the property of another”. There is much stigma attached to the word itself since the days of the slave trade that was abolished in this country upon the closing of the civil war.
So many different meanings can be addressed and yet I find that they are not what come to my mind when I think of the word slave. Upon hearing the word or thinking of it I am filled with warmth and a gentle joy deep in my heart. You may want to ask, why would anyone feel that way? I will tell you happily. It is because I myself am a slave. Not only am I willing, but I am an eager one in my service to my Master. You see there is another meaning to this word that I have come to treasure so. You may in fact find it a truly ironic meaning, for I have come to see my own slavery as the only form of true freedom.
How could this be? You may be thinking to yourself, surely this girl is mistaken and confused in her use of language. But no! It is true! I see my slavery as freedom indeed. You see, it allows me the freedom to behave toward my Master in the ways that feel natural to me when it comes to how I relate to the man I love. I respect Him greatly of course, and I value his thoughts and opinions, but this isn’t the driving force behind my internal serenity. I enjoy being able to behave as a slave because it is the ultimate expression of my true feelings for Him. When He requests something of me by way of action or words, He is able to freely express His wishes without being hindered by society’s views of what is and is not appropriate in His requests. In turn, by bending to His will, learning from His instruction, serving Him and following His lead obediently, I am freed from society’s confinements on what is viewed as inappropriate behavior in my expression of adoration.
Perhaps I should explain a bit further with example. If a woman of mainstream society is seen to approach her mate with lowered eyes then kneel before him and bow reverentially to then be patted on the head and called a “good girl” as she gives a beaming smile in response to his words, it would be seen as a lowering of her station and an act of disrespect toward herself. No matter how much she loves him, he is then seen as something of a bully that treats his mate as a dog. The real magic behind consensual slavery is that, with the simple act of declaring one’s slavery, a woman can walk proudly in her status as slave and a man can be seen as a strong and loving mate who cares deeply for her and treats her well. When a slave bows before her Master it is done out of love and an eagerness to express that love in a physical way that bellies the true level of adoration she has for Him. To be limited to societies accepted acts of love such as kisses, hugs and other “vanilla” forms of affection; a true and natural slave is in essence being bound from expressing herself to the full extent that she desires. Only, the difference is, the ties that bind her are not being held by someone she loves and trusts but rather by a cold unfeeling society that arbitrarily doles out its views of right and wrong.
Take a moment to think this over in your mind. If it is wrong to deny women the vote based on their gender because they are equals, then isn’t it also wrong to determine for them how they are to display their feelings for their mate? Is it not wrong to tell a person that was born with a natural inclination toward submission to behave in any other way then that which comes to them as the right thing to do? And finally is it not wrong for one that is an internal slave to be forced upon with the “freedom” society would have for her? In my humble opinion, that is tantamount to emotional rape for it is, in essence, a violation of a woman’s right to decide for herself how she will lead her life.
It is natural for a slave to be as she is and to behave as she does and that my friends, is a beautiful thing. Quite contrary to popular belief a true slave is a very strong person that must know her own mind in order to achieve happiness and success in her endeavors in life. She must be strong enough to cast aside the bonds that society has placed on her. She must know herself well enough to trust her decisions in choosing a Master. She must display courage in bending her will to His so that she may know the elation of a deed well done and a Master well pleased. She must have the fortitude to walk the gauntlet of disapproving stares directed at her from those in the world around her so that she may be able to take the opportunity to truly be whom she was born to be. Yes, a slave is a strong individual indeed for she has chosen her only true freedom. Rather then simply dream of it or fantasize about it when no one is watching she has spread her wings and leapt forth to grab it, only to find that at long last she can finally soar!
I'm a 32 years old woman with two parents, a sister, a couple cats and a man that I am head over heels for. I was a shy girl when I was growing up, painfully shy. I guess you could say I've grown out of that part. lol. I have spent the majority of my life with my nose buried deep in some book or another. We moved around a lot when I was growing up, making it difficult to make and keep friends, so I learned to entertain myself and be comfortable in isolation at an early age. Eventually we settled in California when I was 9 years old and I would spend the next 20 years there.
In high school, I developed a love for writing as well and I discovered along the way that I wasn't terrible at it. It was hard letting other people read my words though. They were something I put my soul into and at the time I thought that if someone decided my words were worthless, that it would be tantamount to telling me my soul was worthless. It took time to learn otherwise but eventually I did. But it was not a lesson I learned quickly enough. You see, my fear of others led to my being intimidated into thinking that there was no way that I, being so young, could possibly make it with a career as a writer. So I decided to work in a video store instead. And I put the pen down for right about 10 years.
During my ten year hiatus from writing I went through a rocky, abusive marriage. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I read everything I could get my hands on, ranging through all manner of subjects. I thought for a while I might want to become a veterinarian. That only lasted until I realized that I have a real hard time seeing animals suffer in pain and sickness.
However I did discover I had a knack for helping the elderly feel better, both physically and mentally. So I became a caregiver for a while. The trouble with that was that I soon came to understand that I become too attached to those around me. I care too much at times because I don't hold back. So it became hard when I would care for these wonderful men and women and develop such close friendships with them, only to see their light eventually dim and fade away until they would extinguish. It became too hard for me to continue my job and so I chose to take simple clerical job instead while I emotionally healed from all of the loss.
My journey has been a long one and is in no way over. There are certain things that have been present my entire life that has set me apart, made me different from others. For instance, I have been empathic from birth. When I was young I thought everyone was this way but later learned this is not the case. It caused much confusion in childhood because I had much trouble discerning between my own emotions and the emotions of those around me. When I became a little older I learned a sense of balance which helped me to distinguish between the two and gain a certain sense of peace.
I was raised in a very strict Christian family that didn't view anything outside their belief system in a favorable manner. This single fact caused havoc in my life when I awakened at the age of 18 because as my abilities strengthened and I gained further insight into the thoughts of others, I became feared and chastised for it. A few people even went so far as to tell me that I’d been possessed by the Devil. Needless to say this crushed me and hurt a great deal. I left organized religion behind altogether as a result. I still consider myself a spiritual person but unlike my family and those that I was raised with at the church, I don't believe in pushing my beliefs on anyone else. Everyone needs to walk their own path and spirituality is a very personal thing. Not everyone has to believe the same way but we do all have to live together and find a way to accept one another’s beliefs and make our differences into our strength rather then our weakness.
After I left the church, I spent about a decade ignoring my own nature out of ignorance. I walked a few different paths in search of something to fill the void and emptiness I had within me but to no avail. This caused me years of poor health and depression and virtually destroyed my marriage. One thing that remained quite constant was the sensual overture to many of the paths that I walked. I found that I always felt better when I was in environments in which sexuality was a theme, even when I was not actively participating...in fact especially when I was not actively participating. Now I'm not the voyeuristic type but just the presence of such highly charged energy would settle something within me, causing me to be less desperate to find that ever elusive something that was missing in my life. This caused me to develop relatively close ties to the BDSM lifestyle as a submissive. However, because of my on again off again marriage issues I later distanced myself from such things and therefore cut off the most potent source of energy that I had found.
Then a year and a half ago I ended having surgery to replace two of the disks in my neck with artificial ones. The doctors expected me to be in traction for about 6 months afterward. However, to everyone's surprise (including myself) I was actually up and out of bed walking to the bathroom later the same day, as soon as the anesthesia had worn off. I was back at work a month later. This caused the doctors to want to make a case study of my surgery and recovery. I figured that perhaps they could also answer some of the other questions I had. Extensive blood work, body scans, practically every test under the sun and not a thing was found to explain the speed of my recovery other then some enzyme levels that were a bit wonky.
Well, this caused me to begin to wonder if perhaps I should look outside the realms of science for the answers I sought. I began to do research on empathy and quite literally stumbled across the Vampire Community. At first, as I read, I kept asking myself why I didn't just stop since it was just nonsense. But something inside kept me reading and I found myself understanding so much of what was being said that quite frankly, I was shaken by it. It didn't take as long as I would have thought to get used to the idea that this was the answer I had been searching for over the past 15 years. In fact it was more like something had just clicked in my life, like the final tumbler in a lock falling into place and opening the door to a new yet familiar world. Upon contact with others like myself, I had a sense of family, of friends long lost and now reunited.
Late last year I ended up leaving my rocky marriage behind for good. And I have since been reunited with the one man that has haunted my dreams since I was a little girl. We’ve spent almost every single lifetime together in one way or another. We are twin flames and the moment I crossed paths with him, I knew that I had finally come home and I was completely and utterly whole once more. He ended up picking up on my submissive tendencies and a few months down the road he asked me if I would wish to wear his collar. Ecstatic at the prospect, I enthusiastically agreed. He is none other then the love of my lives, my heart and soul, Sabastian.
Well, it appears that I made quite the lengthy intro here but at least you've hopefully gotten a better feel for who I am and where I come from. I know I can be rather wordy at times...lol.
Upon awakening, most of us seek help from medical professionals to find some sort of relief for the issues that plague us (and rightly so). Unfortunately, some though, never get beyond this stage but rather go on the rest of their lives jumping from one doctor to the next, one medication to the next, one diagnosis to the next, all in an effort to recover and feel normal again. They may not be aware of the community of kindred, or they may simply be trying so hard to bring themselves back to a “normal” mental state that to allow oneself to give in to such fantastical thoughts would be in the opposite direction from what they believe recovery should be.
But then, there are also a few that run across the vampire and otherkin community and decide straight out of the gate that they must be “something” but they don’t know what and they never bother to look for any other answers to the problems they might be dealing with. The danger in this is they may be looking for metaphysical answers to completely mundane problems and by doing so may be actually harming themselves in the long run by allowing such a condition to worsen over time while they try to decide what form of otherkin they are.
Then there are some that have found a bit of balance between these two extremes. They sought out scientific, medical and psychological answers first and upon these things failing to bring any relief or comfort they moved on to less traditional answers and found that they were indeed not so much “ill” but rather just a bit different then other folks. This of course is the balanced and ideal way for it to occur.
But what about those folks that just so happen to be both of a kindred nature as well as dealing with a medical or psychological disorder? This is a much more common occurrence then you might think. We all have issues, we all live out our lives within human shells that are susceptible to germs, malfunctions, chemical imbalances and death. So it can be very tricky to know when something that is troubling us, is something that we should seek help for, or if it is something that is related to and caused by our inner nature.
Personally, I tend to assume that my own problems are often a combination of the two…both physical and metaphysical causes. There are some issues that I just know are purely mundane of course…the fact that I have to wear glasses or contacts to see well, the fact that I tend to be a bit OCD sometimes (obsessive-compulsive disorder, I feel the need to count things on occasion or put things in order according to symmetry), the fact that I had some bad discs in my spine that needed replacing….all of these have physical causes and explanations.
But then there are certain physical issues that I have that become exacerbated by metaphysical ones. For instance, I can be a bit ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and when I have recently fed very well or am feeling a greater then usual need to feed, well the issue becomes worse for me and I have even more trouble focusing on one thought for any length of time.
There are also things that I know are caused by purely metaphysical reasons for me as well. I was once diagnosed as being Bipolar (extreme mood swing cycles from manic to depressed and back again) but once I learned how to manage my need to feed this particular issue went away for me entirely. If I am getting depressed for no good cause then it is a red flag to me that I may need to feed. If I am overly excitable, antsy, irritable and generally manic, then I understand that I need to do some relaxation exercises, grounding and centering to bring myself back to where I need to be.
It takes a lot of time to get to know yourself and your body to the point that you can understand whether something has a physical or metaphysical cause though, so when I am in doubt about a new situation that occurs, I tend to treat the issue as a combo deal. I seek help for any possible physical causes but don’t ignore the metaphysical possibilities either. This way I am not ignoring a possibly devastating and debilitating problem that could have been treated with early detection, nor am I allowing a problem to continue just because doctors may not know the cause. As in all things, for me balance is key.
To any and all that read the post I made titled "As She Slipped Away", I wish to say thank you for the kind thoughts and warm wishes. I also wished to give an update as to the condition of the girl on the table.
She is doing a good deal better! She has been moved from the ICU at the hospital and is now in a regular room until such time as a bed can be found at a proper psychiatric facility where she will be able to have her meds adjusted to more suitable levels. With that and a bit of counseling we expect her to be doing better emotionally soon, as well. She should be able to come home in the next week or week and a half.
On a side note, I asked her if she remembered any of what happened while she lay in the table and she said that she didn't but she does remember the touch of my lips on her forehead. When I told her that even though I had been unable to be there physically that I never left her side through the long dark night, she said she knew because she felt me nearby with her.
She wasn't angry with me either as I had feared she might be. She apologized profusely when I saw her and said she had tried to be strong but that she had failed. I told her that her shame wasn't necessary when it comes to me. I love her exactly as she is and nothing will ever change that. We hugged and we cried, held hands and snuggled...all of the things I had been so afraid I would never be able to do with her again. So...that was a very very good day.
I lay in bed with the same feeling as always for restlessness has settled in and I toss and turn. Please God let me dream tonight, I silently pray, for it's been too long. I close my eyes and concentrate, willing slumber to wash over me as I imagine a warmth that speads down me from head to toe. Each muscle I consciously calm and relax as they loosen and stop their tightened reactions. My breathing deepens and I pull the darkness around me, a cloak of solitude and peace that I hold close. From deep within my heart there is a cry of hope. Will tonight be the night I will once again walk in the world of dreams?
I open my eyes to a scene I am familiar with but one I've never lived. I look around me and see that I am in our small, humble, yet happy home. The shaggy grey dog is chewing on a stick that he brought in from outside our little haven of peaceful solitude. The fire crackles and brings my attention to it. Oh, how could I have forgotten of the task at hand? I reach out and slowly stir the bubbling mixture of rabbit, broth and the few vegetables we still have. Thankfully winter is almost over and we will once again go into the woods to reap the bounties it has to offer. I breath in the rich scent of the rabbit as it slowly cooks on the hearth. He will be pleased tonight. I turn and walk to the wooden chair that sits next to the door and begin again to work on my sewing of his new tunic. It will be a surprise and I hope a happy one for I am almost done, just a few more stitches remain. Pulling the sinew tight after each hole the awl has punched, I make each and every stitch a reflection of my feelings for him. A sound of distant thunder rumbling throatily through the sky and I smile. I have finished! I turn the tunic back around and look at my handiwork, pleased to have completed this particular show of affection. Before the dog has caught the scent I know He has arrived and is walking toward our home. It is the only true home we've either known for it is ours. The location and materials that make up the room is of little consequence but the feelings that are within it are indeed what makes this a special place, a place of belonging. I open the door and walk to meet my Love, the tunic neatly folded and held behind my back. From a distance, I can see His long dark hair being whipped by the wind of the coming snow. It trails up and away from the rockface that He has turned the corner round, reaching for the sky like little arms calling to god to be held. His smile is brilliant and I love that He always shows it so when He looks upon me. I quicken my pace and reach for Him as my feet carry me closer, wanting to fall into His arms and tell Him how I've missed Him so. His eyes sparkling with the fire of life, He opens his arms to welcome me into their warm protective circle. A beaming smile graces my lips as I take the final two steps that remain before I am home in His embrace.
The harsh, echoing, metallic sound of sirens awakens me and my eyes fly open. No! Not again! I was so close, I could almost recall the scent of His hair and the warmth of His touch. The dream fades and as always is replaced with sorrow and loss. Silent tears trail down my cheeks and soak into the cloth as I hug the pillow close to my face and cling to what little I remember before it too gets swept away. For the second time tonight I pray...tomorrow night, please let me dream once more.
I went for a few years once without feeding. Worst...thing....ever. You see at the time I wasn't aware of my vampiric nature, I had awakened years earlier but remained ignorant as to the source of my problems. Anyway, after awakening I ended up subconsciously feeding on those around me without knowing it. Eventually this caused problems on the homefront. I recall my now ex telling me at the time that he dreaded coming home because I drained the life out of him. At the time I thought he was just being cruel. lol. Well, that's not to say he wasn't...but he had a point.
One day I ended up having something of a breakdown. A part of me just plain shut down. I was tired of always feeling his disapproval and judgments so I just shut that part of me off, walled it up and packed it away in a pretty bow. It created something of a sense of empathic blindness in me in a sense. I didn't know it at the time but I had basically created a two way shield between myself and the rest of the world. Everywhere I went I would imagine myself in a metal box with no openings, tucked safely away from the hurt of the world around me. This also ended up making the subconscious feedings impossible...nothing got in that shield and nothing got out.
I spent a good couple years that way. The first thing i noticed was my immune system went way the hell downhill. I got sick a lot and often had a hard time recovering from it. I also had trouble with depression which over time became worse and worse. My health continued to deteriorate as well. Within the two year time span that time occurred I ended having to have 3 surgeries.
After the final of the three, I decided to kinda peek out of the box and see if the world was still there the way I remembered it as having been, swimming with a sea of the emotions of others. It was when I woke up from that third surgery in fact. And i found that moment I pictured an opening in that box that surrounded me, the whole thing came tumbling down and I now have the words to describe what I felt that day. In short, I didn't just feed...I feasted! I recovered from the surgery in such record breaking time that I startled the doctors whose care I was under. My lingering depression also was gone within a matter of days.
In fact, that experience was what led me to begin my journey to discover who and what I really am. I decided to research empathy and in time I quite literally stumbled across the OVC (Online Vampire Community). Since then I've learned a great deal about the things I'd experienced that I had no words to describe at the time.
She slipped away from me last night. One moment she was there on the table getting her stomach pumped and the next…nothing. I prayed last night. The strange thing was, I wasn’t even really sure whom I was praying to. Everyone…no one, it’s all the same really. I wouldn’t say that I am one who has lost their faith. I suppose one must have faith first to lose it. I had confirmation last night of something that has lingered in my mind for some time though.
I was praying to the nebulous someone or someones out there when I felt her spirit away. And rather then become saddened or more fearful, I felt a calm wash over me for a moment. With my eyes closed I felt the pain of a part of my soul being ripped from my heart and suddenly I knew what I should do. I stopped praying and I opened my heart and soul. I took the blinding light that I carry within me and I poured it into her still and quiet body mercilessly. I pushed the essence of my being into her as I have never pushed before, with purpose and determination.
I felt the doctors working on her, bustling around like so many busy ants. None of it seemed real though. It all seemed somehow to be so far from reality that it was like a haze, a fog settling in and only one thing remained clear. The girl that lay on the table before me was a drastic contrast to the activity around her. She lay there so absently, still as death itself. For that is what had settled over her briefly, this shroud of death which clung to her like a sticky film that one can’t wash off.
I stood at the end of the bed, next to her head, watching everything with a certain detached feeling. I marveled at the fact that none of the good doctors and nurses could see me. They perhaps could sense me if they were of the sort that could pick up on such things but I had no reason to think any of them were in fact a possible sensitive, privy to the sensations of astral bodies nearby. Frantically they continued their efforts and I smiled sadly at them, knowing they were doing their best and also knowing that it wasn’t working.
I placed my hand on her head, petting her hair the way she always liked. The movements of the doctors were becoming fewer and slower as time itself seemed to slow to a crawl. A nurse held a pen in her hand and had an eye on the clock, waiting to be told when to write down the time. I looked back down at the girl on the table and leaned forward, softly laying my lips upon her cool forehead and I breathed myself into her. With every breath I poured that which is me into her. She was the vessel and I became the liquid light that filled it. I felt myself reach out and pull everything I could from every other person in the room, a collective sigh escaping their lips. My eyes unfocused and still I filled her.
A hand touched my back and I knew it was He. He then reached for her hand and lifted it to his lips, doing the same as I. Together we let our power loose on her. Shadowy figures began stepping forward, family coming forth to lend a hand. And still I pressed my breath into her with a whisper, “It is not your time, little one. You must come back. I am sorry but you cannot yet leave. Hate me if you will but you must return. We need your light.” I felt her struggling, just out of reach. Not wanting to return.
“No! It hurts too much!! I want to go! Let me go!!!”, She says to me.
My heart feels another wrenching tear and I can no longer hold myself back. I feel that part of me take over, the part I hide the most, telling few about it. The Goddess steps forth from my inner core and I feel the large red wings spread out behind me. I lift my lips from her forehead and nothing but a piercing light can be seen where once my eyes were for they have gone blind in power, but I no longer need to see to accomplish what I must.
I place a hand upon her chest, over her heart and the other hand I stretch to the heavens. With a thought and the flip of a mental switch I am touching the Source of all and I become the conduit for its power. The sensation is overwhelming and a roar tears from my throat as I withstand the extreme discomfort. He comes to my side again, wrapping his arms around me and holding me up as my knees become weak. And still we do not stop.
A slow but steady sound begins to echo at last against the stark white walls and large glass door of the somewhat small room. This is shortly followed by a startled gasp. Beep…Beep…Beep. It is an odd sound. Beep…Beep…Beep. It is not a sound made by natural means, but rather by a manmade device, which suddenly has commanded the attention of everyone in the room. All eyes are turned toward it in rapt interest. Beep…Beep…Beep. I am slumped against Him now in exhaustion but I find the strength to lift my head and open my now dim eyes once more. Upon searching for the source of the gasp, my gaze falls upon the nurse with the pen. She is no longer staring at the clock. Her eyes dart between the girl on the table and the machine next to her that continues to give its repetitive series of beeps.
“Doctor…”, her eyes are wide and she simply stares, as whatever words she would have spoken trail off and become forgotten.
The girl on the table lies there in slumber now, her heart beating out a slow, soft, steady rhythm. My line of vision flicks over to the shadowy figures of those that had approached to lend a hand. With soft, relieved smiles and a sage-like nod from the both of them, they melt from my sight into the background. He and I each take turns caressing the sleeping girl’s cheek lovingly. Exchanging a meaningful glance with one another, we too step back from the table. We quietly fade from the room, hand in hand, so that we may once more find our physical bodies where they lay miles away, in a state of deep meditation.
My eyes flutter open and my thumb absentmindedly runs back and forth over the face of the cell phone in my hand. Shortly I will receive a call bearing news. They will tell me that she is in critical but stable condition. I lay there in the darkened room, alone with my thoughts.
I wonder to myself, will she hate me? Will she even remember? Or will she awake, as anyone else would, with no knowledge of what came to pass in that hospital room while she tried to slip away. An exhausted smile touches my lips and silent tears of relief trail from my eyes as I think to myself that could perhaps ask her tomorrow. I roll from my back to my side and curl up, still deep in thought. I had always suspected that there was real power beneath the surface of what meets the eyes of most when they look upon He or I. Pity that confirmation of such things must come in such frightening packages.
I have gone through many years of personal evolution. In the BDSM subculture I started 15 years ago as a submissive/slave and have since grown into my current role of dominant. Though I do occasionally switch, I have learned that I gain the most satisfaction and fulfillment from guiding my own sub/pet through the wonders of exploring his fantasies and the exhilaration of pushing his limits. I also identify myself as a multi-hybrid vampire and otherkin.
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