Saturday, August 22, 2009

My Time In The Box

I went for a few years once without feeding. Worst...thing....ever. You see at the time I wasn't aware of my vampiric nature, I had awakened years earlier but remained ignorant as to the source of my problems. Anyway, after awakening I ended up subconsciously feeding on those around me without knowing it. Eventually this caused problems on the homefront. I recall my now ex telling me at the time that he dreaded coming home because I drained the life out of him. At the time I thought he was just being cruel. lol. Well, that's not to say he wasn't...but he had a point.

One day I ended up having something of a breakdown. A part of me just plain shut down. I was tired of always feeling his disapproval and judgments so I just shut that part of me off, walled it up and packed it away in a pretty bow. It created something of a sense of empathic blindness in me in a sense. I didn't know it at the time but I had basically created a two way shield between myself and the rest of the world. Everywhere I went I would imagine myself in a metal box with no openings, tucked safely away from the hurt of the world around me. This also ended up making the subconscious feedings impossible...nothing got in that shield and nothing got out.

I spent a good couple years that way. The first thing i noticed was my immune system went way the hell downhill. I got sick a lot and often had a hard time recovering from it. I also had trouble with depression which over time became worse and worse. My health continued to deteriorate as well. Within the two year time span that time occurred I ended having to have 3 surgeries.

After the final of the three, I decided to kinda peek out of the box and see if the world was still there the way I remembered it as having been, swimming with a sea of the emotions of others. It was when I woke up from that third surgery in fact. And i found that moment I pictured an opening in that box that surrounded me, the whole thing came tumbling down and I now have the words to describe what I felt that day. In short, I didn't just feed...I feasted! I recovered from the surgery in such record breaking time that I startled the doctors whose care I was under. My lingering depression also was gone within a matter of days.

In fact, that experience was what led me to begin my journey to discover who and what I really am. I decided to research empathy and in time I quite literally stumbled across the OVC (Online Vampire Community). Since then I've learned a great deal about the things I'd experienced that I had no words to describe at the time.

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