To my dearest love, I write to you on this day, the 30th of August to speak to you of love and yet I find there is a whole world more that I wish to speak to you of besides just love. Today marks more then another month of time passed since we reunited. It marks more then another month closer to the day I will get to settle myself within your arms and feel the rest of world melt away.
Today marks half a year that we have been together. Half a year of bliss and happiness. Half a year that I have felt whole again. I don’t know if you are completely aware of the impact meeting you has had on my life but then again, perhaps you are since you are aware of the impact I have had on yours.
You have changed my life. Truth be told, I am not the same person I was before we met. But I can only say it has been the best of changes. I’ve not known this kind of happiness previously in my life. I’ve not had that feeling of zero doubts. You take all the fear and it washes away with your words. I’ve never felt safer. I’m someone that trusts to an extent easily but it’s very hard to earn that deep trust. I’ll trust someone with my life sooner then I will trust them with my emotions. So it was such a pleasant surprise to learn that I truly do trust you deeply and completely. My heart is yours to hold in the palm of your hand and I give it freely and without restraint my love!
When the slightest thought of you passes through my mind, I cannot help but smile, close my eyes and dream. I dream of your touch like silken steel, your breath upon my skin, the smoldering heat in your eyes, the velvety words as you whisper them into hair….I dream of you. I have such joy at knowing that I am indeed yours forevermore. Your esclave, your twin flame, your queen, your soulmate, your lover….because I am your girl. Oh such happiness that brings to my heart as I type the words. It makes my heart swell with pride and the knowledge that you chose me once more, just as you do every day when you wake and tell me “Good Morning, Mon Esclave”.
So today I say to you, Happy Anniversary Master! We have loved for half a year in this life and ages upon ages in other lifetimes. I consider myself most fortunate to have received what have thus far. Anything more is pure joy and I am grateful for every instant of it. Thank you My Darling, for being exactly whom you are. I love you with every fiber of my body, every drop of blood that beats through my heart, every thought that passes through my mind and every lifetime to have touched my soul. I adore you madly and without fear or restraint. All because I love you so. For you make my essence purr...like magick...alchemy...love.
TWO HISTORICAL TEXTS that include references to eclipses of the sun are the official history of the Eastern Han dynasty (left) and the Chronicle of the Patriarch of Antioch, Michael the Syrian (right). The Chinese text describes solar eclipses of a.d. 118 and 120, the latter regarded as presaging the empress dowager's death in a.d. 122. The Syriac text describes in vivid detail a total eclipse in a.d. 1176.
Qu'ran (aka Koran)
Taken from a black-letter volume in Fox Talbot's library, containing the statutes of Richard the Second, written in Norman French. Exact volume currently unknown.
Leningrad Codex
Probably originally hidden during the Roman sack of Jerusalem around 70 A.D., the Dead Sea Scrolls are one of the most significant archaeological discoveries of the 20th century.
More of the Dead Sea Scrolls
It is currently unknown to me what specific text this image was taken from.
Written by the photographer of this image: "I saw a fragment from the Dead Sea Scrolls today. I have always found these ancient texts intriguing and was happy to finally have a chance to inspect a portion of them. I suppose that growing up in the 60s and 70s while there was a restriction on public access to the scrolls made me want to see them even more. Of course, today I only got to see a fragment displayed behind thick glass in the British Library’s low-lit exhibition, but still, it was rewarding after such a long wait."
I'm a 32 years old woman with two parents, a sister, a couple cats and a man that I am head over heels for. I was a shy girl when I was growing up, painfully shy. I guess you could say I've grown out of that part. lol. I have spent the majority of my life with my nose buried deep in some book or another. We moved around a lot when I was growing up, making it difficult to make and keep friends, so I learned to entertain myself and be comfortable in isolation at an early age. Eventually we settled in California when I was 9 years old and I would spend the next 20 years there.
In high school, I developed a love for writing as well and I discovered along the way that I wasn't terrible at it. It was hard letting other people read my words though. They were something I put my soul into and at the time I thought that if someone decided my words were worthless, that it would be tantamount to telling me my soul was worthless. It took time to learn otherwise but eventually I did. But it was not a lesson I learned quickly enough. You see, my fear of others led to my being intimidated into thinking that there was no way that I, being so young, could possibly make it with a career as a writer. So I decided to work in a video store instead. And I put the pen down for right about 10 years.
During my ten year hiatus from writing I went through a rocky, abusive marriage. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I read everything I could get my hands on, ranging through all manner of subjects. I thought for a while I might want to become a veterinarian. That only lasted until I realized that I have a real hard time seeing animals suffer in pain and sickness.
However I did discover I had a knack for helping the elderly feel better, both physically and mentally. So I became a caregiver for a while. The trouble with that was that I soon came to understand that I become too attached to those around me. I care too much at times because I don't hold back. So it became hard when I would care for these wonderful men and women and develop such close friendships with them, only to see their light eventually dim and fade away until they would extinguish. It became too hard for me to continue my job and so I chose to take simple clerical job instead while I emotionally healed from all of the loss.
My journey has been a long one and is in no way over. There are certain things that have been present my entire life that has set me apart, made me different from others. For instance, I have been empathic from birth. When I was young I thought everyone was this way but later learned this is not the case. It caused much confusion in childhood because I had much trouble discerning between my own emotions and the emotions of those around me. When I became a little older I learned a sense of balance which helped me to distinguish between the two and gain a certain sense of peace.
I was raised in a very strict Christian family that didn't view anything outside their belief system in a favorable manner. This single fact caused havoc in my life when I awakened at the age of 18 because as my abilities strengthened and I gained further insight into the thoughts of others, I became feared and chastised for it. A few people even went so far as to tell me that I’d been possessed by the Devil. Needless to say this crushed me and hurt a great deal. I left organized religion behind altogether as a result. I still consider myself a spiritual person but unlike my family and those that I was raised with at the church, I don't believe in pushing my beliefs on anyone else. Everyone needs to walk their own path and spirituality is a very personal thing. Not everyone has to believe the same way but we do all have to live together and find a way to accept one another’s beliefs and make our differences into our strength rather then our weakness.
After I left the church, I spent about a decade ignoring my own nature out of ignorance. I walked a few different paths in search of something to fill the void and emptiness I had within me but to no avail. This caused me years of poor health and depression and virtually destroyed my marriage. One thing that remained quite constant was the sensual overture to many of the paths that I walked. I found that I always felt better when I was in environments in which sexuality was a theme, even when I was not actively participating...in fact especially when I was not actively participating. Now I'm not the voyeuristic type but just the presence of such highly charged energy would settle something within me, causing me to be less desperate to find that ever elusive something that was missing in my life. This caused me to develop relatively close ties to the BDSM lifestyle as a submissive. However, because of my on again off again marriage issues I later distanced myself from such things and therefore cut off the most potent source of energy that I had found.
Then a year and a half ago I ended having surgery to replace two of the disks in my neck with artificial ones. The doctors expected me to be in traction for about 6 months afterward. However, to everyone's surprise (including myself) I was actually up and out of bed walking to the bathroom later the same day, as soon as the anesthesia had worn off. I was back at work a month later. This caused the doctors to want to make a case study of my surgery and recovery. I figured that perhaps they could also answer some of the other questions I had. Extensive blood work, body scans, practically every test under the sun and not a thing was found to explain the speed of my recovery other then some enzyme levels that were a bit wonky.
Well, this caused me to begin to wonder if perhaps I should look outside the realms of science for the answers I sought. I began to do research on empathy and quite literally stumbled across the Vampire Community. At first, as I read, I kept asking myself why I didn't just stop since it was just nonsense. But something inside kept me reading and I found myself understanding so much of what was being said that quite frankly, I was shaken by it. It didn't take as long as I would have thought to get used to the idea that this was the answer I had been searching for over the past 15 years. In fact it was more like something had just clicked in my life, like the final tumbler in a lock falling into place and opening the door to a new yet familiar world. Upon contact with others like myself, I had a sense of family, of friends long lost and now reunited.
Late last year I ended up leaving my rocky marriage behind for good. And I have since been reunited with the one man that has haunted my dreams since I was a little girl. We’ve spent almost every single lifetime together in one way or another. We are twin flames and the moment I crossed paths with him, I knew that I had finally come home and I was completely and utterly whole once more. He ended up picking up on my submissive tendencies and a few months down the road he asked me if I would wish to wear his collar. Ecstatic at the prospect, I enthusiastically agreed. He is none other then the love of my lives, my heart and soul, Sabastian.
Well, it appears that I made quite the lengthy intro here but at least you've hopefully gotten a better feel for who I am and where I come from. I know I can be rather wordy at times...lol.
Upon awakening, most of us seek help from medical professionals to find some sort of relief for the issues that plague us (and rightly so). Unfortunately, some though, never get beyond this stage but rather go on the rest of their lives jumping from one doctor to the next, one medication to the next, one diagnosis to the next, all in an effort to recover and feel normal again. They may not be aware of the community of kindred, or they may simply be trying so hard to bring themselves back to a “normal” mental state that to allow oneself to give in to such fantastical thoughts would be in the opposite direction from what they believe recovery should be.
But then, there are also a few that run across the vampire and otherkin community and decide straight out of the gate that they must be “something” but they don’t know what and they never bother to look for any other answers to the problems they might be dealing with. The danger in this is they may be looking for metaphysical answers to completely mundane problems and by doing so may be actually harming themselves in the long run by allowing such a condition to worsen over time while they try to decide what form of otherkin they are.
Then there are some that have found a bit of balance between these two extremes. They sought out scientific, medical and psychological answers first and upon these things failing to bring any relief or comfort they moved on to less traditional answers and found that they were indeed not so much “ill” but rather just a bit different then other folks. This of course is the balanced and ideal way for it to occur.
But what about those folks that just so happen to be both of a kindred nature as well as dealing with a medical or psychological disorder? This is a much more common occurrence then you might think. We all have issues, we all live out our lives within human shells that are susceptible to germs, malfunctions, chemical imbalances and death. So it can be very tricky to know when something that is troubling us, is something that we should seek help for, or if it is something that is related to and caused by our inner nature.
Personally, I tend to assume that my own problems are often a combination of the two…both physical and metaphysical causes. There are some issues that I just know are purely mundane of course…the fact that I have to wear glasses or contacts to see well, the fact that I tend to be a bit OCD sometimes (obsessive-compulsive disorder, I feel the need to count things on occasion or put things in order according to symmetry), the fact that I had some bad discs in my spine that needed replacing….all of these have physical causes and explanations.
But then there are certain physical issues that I have that become exacerbated by metaphysical ones. For instance, I can be a bit ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and when I have recently fed very well or am feeling a greater then usual need to feed, well the issue becomes worse for me and I have even more trouble focusing on one thought for any length of time.
There are also things that I know are caused by purely metaphysical reasons for me as well. I was once diagnosed as being Bipolar (extreme mood swing cycles from manic to depressed and back again) but once I learned how to manage my need to feed this particular issue went away for me entirely. If I am getting depressed for no good cause then it is a red flag to me that I may need to feed. If I am overly excitable, antsy, irritable and generally manic, then I understand that I need to do some relaxation exercises, grounding and centering to bring myself back to where I need to be.
It takes a lot of time to get to know yourself and your body to the point that you can understand whether something has a physical or metaphysical cause though, so when I am in doubt about a new situation that occurs, I tend to treat the issue as a combo deal. I seek help for any possible physical causes but don’t ignore the metaphysical possibilities either. This way I am not ignoring a possibly devastating and debilitating problem that could have been treated with early detection, nor am I allowing a problem to continue just because doctors may not know the cause. As in all things, for me balance is key.
The water is warm as we take the time to splash and play despite the danger that is coming on the horizon. We feel it will be our last day and we spend it celebrating our love together. No fear, no regrets. We have loved with a passion to match the ages and together we will stand united to die the same way we have lived, as one. We will make the final stand, outnumbered and against all odds…not that unusual for us. But this time, we know our path may end come nightfall. We leave the pool of clearest water and lay side my side in the grass, entwined in love and pleasures. The world that awaits us melts away and we revel in one last day of basking in one another’s glory. There are no tears. Only the tender smiles that light upon soft lips with gentle kisses and fevered caresses. An urgency meets our lovemaking with the dying of the light and we melt into one another, drinking down each others soul with every heated touch and gasping moan. We devour our love for one another. For tonight we will face death and as one we will conquer it without a flinching eye…for we know that we have had each other in our lives always, and we always will. We take the final steps into the jaws of hell and a fierce battle cry is echoed through both of our chests.
Our last words…my love, we will meet again! We once more unite as our lives bleed out to soak into the ground and mingle along with our last breath of air...
And so those words have echoed throughout time...one life to the next...until you came to me once more. So you see my love, we were right...we conquered death with unflinching eyes and have returned to one another's arms. This is true love that survives all, life, death, pain, joy, fear, courage...we are meant for one another as we remain together, forever united. I love you darling...forever.
To any and all that read the post I made titled "As She Slipped Away", I wish to say thank you for the kind thoughts and warm wishes. I also wished to give an update as to the condition of the girl on the table.
She is doing a good deal better! She has been moved from the ICU at the hospital and is now in a regular room until such time as a bed can be found at a proper psychiatric facility where she will be able to have her meds adjusted to more suitable levels. With that and a bit of counseling we expect her to be doing better emotionally soon, as well. She should be able to come home in the next week or week and a half.
On a side note, I asked her if she remembered any of what happened while she lay in the table and she said that she didn't but she does remember the touch of my lips on her forehead. When I told her that even though I had been unable to be there physically that I never left her side through the long dark night, she said she knew because she felt me nearby with her.
She wasn't angry with me either as I had feared she might be. She apologized profusely when I saw her and said she had tried to be strong but that she had failed. I told her that her shame wasn't necessary when it comes to me. I love her exactly as she is and nothing will ever change that. We hugged and we cried, held hands and snuggled...all of the things I had been so afraid I would never be able to do with her again. So...that was a very very good day.
I lay in bed with the same feeling as always for restlessness has settled in and I toss and turn. Please God let me dream tonight, I silently pray, for it's been too long. I close my eyes and concentrate, willing slumber to wash over me as I imagine a warmth that speads down me from head to toe. Each muscle I consciously calm and relax as they loosen and stop their tightened reactions. My breathing deepens and I pull the darkness around me, a cloak of solitude and peace that I hold close. From deep within my heart there is a cry of hope. Will tonight be the night I will once again walk in the world of dreams?
I open my eyes to a scene I am familiar with but one I've never lived. I look around me and see that I am in our small, humble, yet happy home. The shaggy grey dog is chewing on a stick that he brought in from outside our little haven of peaceful solitude. The fire crackles and brings my attention to it. Oh, how could I have forgotten of the task at hand? I reach out and slowly stir the bubbling mixture of rabbit, broth and the few vegetables we still have. Thankfully winter is almost over and we will once again go into the woods to reap the bounties it has to offer. I breath in the rich scent of the rabbit as it slowly cooks on the hearth. He will be pleased tonight. I turn and walk to the wooden chair that sits next to the door and begin again to work on my sewing of his new tunic. It will be a surprise and I hope a happy one for I am almost done, just a few more stitches remain. Pulling the sinew tight after each hole the awl has punched, I make each and every stitch a reflection of my feelings for him. A sound of distant thunder rumbling throatily through the sky and I smile. I have finished! I turn the tunic back around and look at my handiwork, pleased to have completed this particular show of affection. Before the dog has caught the scent I know He has arrived and is walking toward our home. It is the only true home we've either known for it is ours. The location and materials that make up the room is of little consequence but the feelings that are within it are indeed what makes this a special place, a place of belonging. I open the door and walk to meet my Love, the tunic neatly folded and held behind my back. From a distance, I can see His long dark hair being whipped by the wind of the coming snow. It trails up and away from the rockface that He has turned the corner round, reaching for the sky like little arms calling to god to be held. His smile is brilliant and I love that He always shows it so when He looks upon me. I quicken my pace and reach for Him as my feet carry me closer, wanting to fall into His arms and tell Him how I've missed Him so. His eyes sparkling with the fire of life, He opens his arms to welcome me into their warm protective circle. A beaming smile graces my lips as I take the final two steps that remain before I am home in His embrace.
The harsh, echoing, metallic sound of sirens awakens me and my eyes fly open. No! Not again! I was so close, I could almost recall the scent of His hair and the warmth of His touch. The dream fades and as always is replaced with sorrow and loss. Silent tears trail down my cheeks and soak into the cloth as I hug the pillow close to my face and cling to what little I remember before it too gets swept away. For the second time tonight I pray...tomorrow night, please let me dream once more.
This for me is an interesting one since it also depends on what element I'm feeding from.
If it is Earth I am feeding from (the surrounding plants, animals, rocks, whatever that are around me) then I find the easiest way is simply to kind stretch out on the ground and first I listen to the sounds of life all around me. Say I'm in a forest...I zone in on the sounds of the birds in the trees, the creaking of the branches as they sway in the wind, the feel on the ground beneath me...eventually as I listen I will begin to pick up the smaller sounds...the insects in the bark of the trees, the leaves as they rustle beneath the weight of a single bird, the sound of a stream gurgling off in the distance. The more I zone into the sounds of life all around the more in touch I become with what I call the general spirit of the forest. I can feel it within me as I become a part of it. Once that connection is made mentally it becomes easy to visualize the life of the forest as it settles into you from the trees above and soaks up through your skin from the ground below. It is a gentle, calming and very relaxing feed.
If it is Fire I am feeding from, I stare at the matter that is burning...say it's a log in a campfire. I watch the embers beneath the flames as the red glow runs over the surface of the log, curling this way and that, until it seems almost to be a living thing with a mind of its own. I hold onto this feeling and visualize the fire itself as something of an entity all on its own, extending my hands toward it and feeling the heat of its touch. I close my eyes then and continue to hold in my mind the thought that this could be something like a being that is caressing my skin with warm hands. This all helps to solidify my concentration when it comes to extending a tentacle to that "being" in my mind's eye and pulling on its energy much as I would a one on one Psi feed from a distance. I let a little energy out, enough to form the tentacle as it extends from my hands to the warmth of the flame and then I allow that heat to travel back up into my hands and through my body. At first it can be a rather invigorating feed with a hint of excitement gained but the longer you sit there the more mellow you will become and soon you will feed warm and gooey inside, like you've just eaten a warm batch of grandma's melty fudge brownies. Or for those of you that are old enough to know what I mean, it feels much like you've had yourself a nice snifter of warmed brandy.
If it is Air or more specifically Wind that I am feeding from I find it to be a very easy feed. Perhaps it is due to my own odd ability to manipulate and direct the Wind itself. Though it is not technically my "element" astrologically speaking (I am on the cusp of Aires and Taurus so I am a mixture of the fire and earth signs as far as my personality goes...passionate but grounded...Yay me!) I do find that I have something of a connection to this element at all times. When the wind is going to blow I can feel it coming. When it gusts too hard I simply ask it to calm and it does. If the air is too still and stagnant I ask a breeze to come along and sure enough it will come. So I find this particular element and easy one to feed from as well. I simply call up a strong breeze by asking for one in my mind and as it blows I stand in it's path and let the gusts beat against my skin, simply soaking in what it has to offer. It almost reminds me of when someone pushes their energy into you. I don't usually need to pull anything in because it finds its own way quite easily. Much like the element of Air itself the energy it carries feels thin, as if it could weave its way between my very cells with little to no effort on my part. I can understand how it might not work that way for most though so I apologize if the description is of little help. The feed itself is, to me, a revitalizing one even though it is not terribly long lasting in its effects. It will always put a perky bounce in my step for a day or so though.
When it comes to Water however, I find this to be the opposite. I find it to be a more difficult feed as the energy has a thick quality to it in my opinion. I don't feed from things like showers, baths or pools...I find the man made atmosphere of it to be distracting to me and I become easily sidetracked with other thoughts. However I do know that there are some that utilize their showers as a daily booster in their own feeding schedules. When I do feed from water I find I must be in one of two places...either immersed in a moving body of water such as a river or somewhat deep stream, or I can also get away with being on a beach with as little as just my feet in the water. I do not know if it is the saltwater that makes a beach side feed easier or if it is simply the vastness of the body of water itself that is teeming with so much life, but I do find that the feed is easier at the beach. Perhaps it is actually because I find it easier to identify the ocean as having a will of its own. It is powerful and compelling, drawing sailors to it every day of the year. When a storm comes the sea can be as merciless as a coldhearted siren that pulls us deep into the cold drowning dark. I take it by now you see what I mean. To feed from the sea I must "feel" the power she holds. Only then can I allow the cold of the water at my feet to lick its way up my legs and carry the chill of it though my body. This is the feed. I find it to be the longest lasting of the elemental feeds and it is refreshing, invigorating, relaxing and rejuvenating all at once.
I have gone through many years of personal evolution. In the BDSM subculture I started 15 years ago as a submissive/slave and have since grown into my current role of dominant. Though I do occasionally switch, I have learned that I gain the most satisfaction and fulfillment from guiding my own sub/pet through the wonders of exploring his fantasies and the exhilaration of pushing his limits. I also identify myself as a multi-hybrid vampire and otherkin.
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